January 31, 2011 – Maternity Leave

Maternity leave policies vary throughout the world.  Some countries will allow a parent up to a year of paid leave while other countries will offer only a few months of leave that is completely unpaid.  Maternity leave policies vary within the United States as well, but most U.S. women should expect about twelve weeks of unpaid leave.  That’s pretty poor compared to the rest of the world, especially when compared with Canada and Western Europe.  While many other countries offer something similar to twelve weeks of leave it is rarely unpaid.  Since many women can’t afford to take twelve weeks of unpaid leave they may, in reality, be taking maternity leave that is absurdly short; sometimes no more than a few weeks.  More reasonable minimum standards need to be set.    

Maternity leave can be a difficult balancing act for parents and companies.  Obviously parents want to be around as much as possible to raise their children.  Newborn babies require an extraordinary amount of care and after twelve weeks the amount of attention they need has barely diminished, if at all.  It is nerve-racking and expensive to entrust your infant to the care of someone else…unless you are one of those lucky people who can depend on a grandparent or other close relative.  At the same time it is very difficult for companies to pay an employee for months when they are not working, or even to hold their position for a long length of time.  But some kind of balance needs to be struck.  If we are really going to be a society with equal rights for men and women then we need to provide women with a reasonable way to balance a family and a career.  This will require more than just a fair-minded maternity leave policy but it’s a start. 

All employees have a right to at least 12 weeks of paid maternity leave, two weeks of paid paternity leave, and up to a year of unpaid leave that can be taken by either parent.

This is a minimum.  Companies are encouraged to offer better benefits and could be awarded with tax breaks if they do.  The important thing is that under this policy all women should be able to stay home with their babies for at least twelve weeks.  Many will be able to stay home for a whole year.  The twelve weeks of paid leave may be difficult for some companies but I don’t think the unpaid portion should be.  Taking a temporary job for a woman on maternity leave could be an awesome way for young people to get their first work experience right out of college.  This could also be a great thing for companies too as they would get a cheaper employee for a year.

With 40 hour work weeks (see previous decree) and a reasonable amount of maternity leave, I believe we are beginning to make strides in improving the quality of life for families.  No one should have to choose between being a good employee and being a good parent.  Granted there is still a lot more to be done but hey, it’s only January. 

I hope you have enjoyed your first month of subjugation under your new Queen.  Your continued loyalty and support over the next eleven months will be much appreciated…although also obligatory.   

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 30, 2011 – Queen Marisa’s Favorite Things

Thus far I have tried not to be selfish with my decrees.  My focus has been the greater good.  A run of selfish decrees would surely be an abuse of power, but one selfish decree now and again wouldn’t be so wrong would it? 

I had two huge disappointments this weekend while going out to restaurants.  It seems that two different restaurants have both recently removed my favorite dishes from their menus!  I almost exploded in a rage that these businesses could be so disrespectful to their Queen but then I realized that they practically had no way of knowing what my favorite dishes were.  Now they will not longer have an excuse.  There is now a list of my favorite things at the bottom of this page and I expect restaurants to hold this list as sacred as if it were written by Oprah herself.  The items in bold on this list have already been removed from menus and must be brought back.

Items listed on “Queen Marisa’s Favorite Things” may not be removed from restaurant menus.  If they have already been removed they must be brought back.

This decree may not benefit you at all if your tastes are not at all similar to mine.  Sorry about that.  It should benefit restaurants however, because even though it places them under a mandate, I expect lots of people would love to order items that are the documented favorites of the Queen of the World.

Sorry again for the selfish decree.  I will try to exercise more noble intentions tomorrow.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 29, 2011 – Compound Weather

Snow is a type of precipitation in the form of crystalline water ice.  No matter how much of it falls; no matter how quickly it accumulates; no matter how awful it makes commuting, it is still just a natural weather occurrence.  It is NOT akin to Armageddon, the apocalypse, or the holocaust.  In terms of weather catastrophes, snow is considered more of a nuisance than a threat.  Compared to hurricanes, earthquakes, and tornados, snow is a just a schoolyard bully.  Sure it can make your life difficult, but it can be handled.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve experienced snowfalls of 40 feet within a month, it still does not compare to the 2005 tsunami in Phuket, the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, or Hurricane Katrina.  So why are meteorologists comparing snow to mass genocide or the end of the world? 

Made-up compound words like “snowmageddon”, “snowpocalypse”, or “snowlocaust” are catchy terms meant to either scare the audience into watching or else put a light-hearted spin on frustrating weather...honestly, I’m not sure which.  What is also does however, is belittle the actual meaning of the terms Armageddon, apocalypse, and holocaust.  I personally experienced last year’s “snowpocalypse” and while it led to awful commutes and trips to the supermarket it was far from the end of the world.  Naming snow storms with catchy made-up compound words seems like an odd trend to me.  Weather systems do not need catchy compound names like celebrity couples.  I’m putting an end to it.

Weather phenomena may not be referred to with catchy compound titles.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 28, 2011 – Monkey Bars

Did you know that monkeys can’t use monkey bars?  Playing on monkey bars requires brachiation, which is the ability to use your arms to swing from branch to branch (or bar to bar).  Having this ability requires flexible shoulder joints with shoulder blades positioned essentially on the back.  It also requires the ability to grasp.  Monkeys do not have these abilities; apes do.  Perhaps “ape bars” just isn’t catchy enough but the example highlights one of my ultimate pet peeves that I will be remedying today.

It is illegal to refer to species of apes as monkeys in any published, televised, or educational material.

Chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas, gibbons, orangutans, siamangs, and humans are apes.  Calling a chimpanzee a monkey is as wrong as calling a human a monkey.  If you are making a commercial and want to make some joke about “monkey business” or “monkeying around” use a MONKEY!  Get yourself a capuchin, a vervet, a tamarin, a macaque, a spider monkey…there are so many options!  Just don’t use an orangutan.  Feel free to use an orangutan for a different commercial (they make awesome actors don’t they?), but then you can’t make a monkey joke. 

I think the most upsetting violation to this rule I have ever seen was a set of alphabet flashcards for babies.  Under the letter ‘M’ was the word ‘monkey’ and a picture of a chimpanzee.  The thought that innocent children could be exposed to such a gross misconception was too much to bear.  I knew I had to take action right away.  In fact, I think this could be my most important decree to date.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 27, 2011 – The Slaves of Academia

Graduate school is rough.  I doubt very much that anyone would tell you otherwise.  Graduate students have to balance classes, research, assistant type work within their department, and possibly an outside part-time job as well.  While the graduate student experience is always difficult, there is one important factor that makes it exponentially more difficult and that is the issue I will tackle with today’s decree.

All arts and sciences graduate school students must be fully funded within their department for at least five years.

Fully funded means that the tuition expenses of each graduate student is covered by the department, on top of which each graduate student receives a stipend that is enough to cover a reasonable expectation of room and board for the area.  Some kind of health insurance needs to be included as well.  Please note that I said “arts and sciences graduate students.”  This decree does not apply to professional schools.  Essentially, if when you tell someone what you’re studying you hear, “What are you going to do with that?” then this decree applies to you. 

The downside of this decree is that departments will be forced to accept less graduate students into their programs.  Considering the lack of jobs in academia right now, I’m not sure that’s a complete downside.  You can find something else to do now, or in seven years after adding “Ph.D.” to your name.  It’s up to you.

The upsides to this decree are numerous.  First, I think it is just cruel to charge a graduate student tuition.  Granted the University is providing an education for these people but they are generally so relied upon within their respective departments as teaching assistants and/or research assistants that they should also be considered employees. 

Second, funding a graduate student takes away some of the monetary pressure they are under so they can concentrate on their classes and research.  Fully funded graduate students finish their degrees faster.  I don’t have a source on that so you will just have to believe me. 

Third, fully funded graduate students don’t have to compete for positions.  When graduate students are not funded they have to compete with each other for whatever funding is available, typically teaching assistantships.  Since departments have to pay for each teaching assistant they typically do all they can to limit the number that they need.  This means that the teaching assistants are then overloaded with work.  If everyone is fully funded to begin with, the department can appoint as many teaching assistants as needed without affecting the budget.  Graduate students will benefit from the extra positions because they need the work experience and the department will benefit because all of their undergraduate classes will have the support that they need.  It’s win-win.

Finally, when graduate students are less overloaded, they have more time to assist in departmental research and aid in the securing of research grants.  Research grants are what academia is all about so the more time graduate students can dedicate to obtaining grants, the better off the University will be in the long run.

The fact that no one has previously stepped in to help this underserved group is despicable.  As Queen, I fully understand the importance of treating my underlings well.  It’s time that academia learned the same lesson.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 26, 2011 – You Are What You Eat

Ever order a salad at a restaurant because you were trying to be good, only to find out later that it contained more fat and calories than the burger you actually wanted?  Ever decide to get a side of healthy broccoli instead of fries only to get a bowl of wilted green vegetables swimming in butter?  It can be so hard to eat healthy, especially when eating out at restaurants.  Many restaurants now provide nutritional information about the options in their menus and I think this is a great idea so…

All restaurants must provide nutritional information about each of the dishes in their menu. 

The information should be printed directly on the menu so that customers are easily able to make more healthy choices…if they want to.  Given that all restaurants have to do this there will probably be a need for more nutritionists to act as consultants.  More job creation! 

I’m not saying that everyone should diet; I just want to make it easier to diet. 

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 25, 2011 – No News is Good News

Have you ever watched a single broadcast network all day long?  I have and trust me, it is PAINFUL!  Do you have any idea how many hours of news is shown on one network on a given day?  Let me just say that it is generally more than half of the entire day.  For an example, check out the lineup for one network in my area:

4:00-4:30am – Early News

4:30-5:00am – News at 4:30

5:00-6:00am – News at 5:00

6:00-7:00am – News at 6:00

7:00-11:00am – Morning show i.e. soft-core news

11:00-12:00pm – News at Midday

4:00-5:00pm – News at 4:00

5:00-6:00pm – News at 5:00

6:00-7:00pm – News at 6:00

7:00-7:30pm – Primetime news show

7:30-8:00pm – Hollywood news

11:00-11:30pm – News at 11:00

What’s worse is that there is not enough new news to fill all of these hours, meaning that if you watch all day you will see about five stories rehashed over and over along with some puff pieces about local animal shelters or the latest craze in mommy and me classes.  Stations seem so strapped for stories these days that they are often reduced to showing popular YouTube clips or scenes from the previous night’s primetime TV.  This is just sad.  Why have the internet and DVR when we can get it all rehashed at 5:00, 6:00, 7:00, 11:00, and so on and so on?  Besides, there are dedicated news channels out there are there not?  So then we don’t need half a day of five repeated news stories and internet clips on every single broadcast network.   

Broadcast networks are restricted to five hours of news per day (three hours in the morning, one hour at midday, and one hour in the early evening).

With only five hours of air time to fill instead of 12 or so I expect the quality of these news programs to increase drastically.  Focus on improving the awareness and intelligence of your audience.  Cover local, national, and world news.  Hey, maybe if your news programs get good enough I’ll let you have another hour.  Until then I will be hopeful that the holes in the schedules once filled with news will instead be filled with things that are worth watching.  That hope is probably in vain.

As always I remain your all powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 24, 2011 – Click It or Ticket…Except on a Bus

Why don’t buses have seatbelts?  Wearing a seatbelt while in a moving automobile is the law but if you are on a bus, suddenly seatbelts are unnecessary.  According to many states, your eight-year-old child requires a booster seat along with a seat belt while in your car, but can ride on a bus with bench seats and no belts.  Does this make sense?  The situation is not much better for adults.  Public transportation is generally an encouraged method of transportation.  It lessens road traffic and creates less pollution.  But have you ever seen a packed train car or bus where people are lucky if they get a handhold and wondered what would happen if there was a crash?  And crashes do happen.  Nine people died as a result of a crash on the Washington D.C. metro system in 2009.  While there is no way to be certain that the use of seatbelts could have prevented any of those deaths, it is certainly not a stretch to think that they might have.  There is no reason that these vehicles cannot be made safer for passengers so from now on, they will be.

All buses, trains, and planes that carry passengers must make use of some kind of safety restraint system.  School buses that carry children must be outfitted with individual seats (no benches) and individual seat belts specifically designed for smaller passengers.  Transit systems are encouraged to increase the number of trains and buses during peak hours to lessen overcrowding.

I know that public transportation systems need more help than seatbelts, and I will get to that.  For now though, just start making buses and train cars safer for passengers.  You should be able to feel as safe and secure on a bus as you do in your own car.

As always I remain you all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 23, 2011 – Determined to Drive Distracted

Driving today I was stuck behind two different drivers who were driving under the speed limit and crawling through intersections.  Why?  One was on a cell phone; the other was putting on makeup.  I know it’s tempting to multi-task while driving, but sometimes for the good of humanity we have to resist temptation.  Driving can be pretty boring, especially sitting at red lights.  If you live any place similar to my neighborhood you will spend the majority of your outing sitting at red lights.  It seems like such a wasted amount of time, given our overly busy schedules, so why not make the most of it? 

We’ve all heard the stories of tragic teen deaths that were due to distracted driving.  A text message of “yeah” being the reason for someone taking their eyes off the road and ultimately ending their life.  Despite all the warnings and a few laws to the contrary however, plenty of people will still text and drive.  Even those who won’t text while driving will still talk on the phone while driving.  Then there are those other non-techie distractions like eating, drinking, shaving, putting on makeup, etc.  The list could go on for quite a while.  Everyone questions where the line should be drawn in terms of acceptable behavior behind the wheel.  Allow me to draw that line now.

Anyone caught driving distractedly (without their hands on the wheel and their eyes on the road) will be ticketed.

That includes everything…yes everything.  If you are driving you can’t mess with a phone, a radio, a meal, your makeup, a GPS, … anything.  This includes stoppages at red lights.  Maybe you can get away with changing the radio station at a red light but that is it.  Yes, I know you are just sitting there, but I swear when that light turns green and you don’t move because you are busy with something else I wish I was in a monster truck that could run you over.  At this point I’m still allowing talking on the phone if using a hands-free device but I will change my mind if this law doesn’t fix the problems.  Consider yourself warned. 

You might be cursing me right now saying that you drive just fine while talking on the phone.  Let me assure you right now…you don’t.  I have seen you drive with a phone up to your ear.  You don’t drive just fine.  You drive like you’re drunk.  You weave between lanes and vary your speed.  You slow down for green lights and make turns so slowly I would otherwise guess that your accelerator broke.  So put your hands at 10:00 and 2:00, keep your eyes focused on the road, and we won’t have any problems. 

This rule might make driving a lot less fun, certainly a lot less productive, but it will save lives and that’s what counts.  Consider this, when you do whatever it is you need to do before you put your car in drive, or you pull off the road and park in order to take a phone call or check your GPS you are saving a life.  That should be a pretty good feeling and well worth any inconvenience.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

P.S.  Happy Birthday Dad!

January 22, 2011 – A Toll is a Toll, and a Roll is a Roll

EZ Pass and its equivalents, depending on what state you’re in, should be an awesome system.  It SHOULD allow traffic to flow through toll plazas more quickly.  Oftentimes however, the opposite is true.  I guess part of the problem is that not enough people use the EZ Pass system so that when traffic approaches a toll plaza, a whole lot of maneuvering has to happen so that cars can get into the correct lanes.  Sometimes this traffic can be so bad that drivers with EZ Pass still have to wait in the entirety of the toll traffic just to get close enough to maneuver into an EZ Pass lane.  Two hours of my life that I won’t get back were given up to the GWB for this very problem.  It would definitely make things better if more people took advantage of the system but I’m not ready to make a decree along those lines.  Instead…

All toll plazas that make use of an EZ Pass or equivalent system must have express lanes towards the side of the plaza that separate a few miles before the toll plaza and allow drivers to pass through at a speed similar to the speed limit of the road they are on.

This will mean a whole lot of construction that will increase traffic woes for a while but your suffering will not be in vain.  Once the express lanes are in place, those who have the EZ Pass system will filter out of traffic easily and get through the toll quickly, leaving less traffic at the actual toll plaza.  For whatever reason, the traditional EZ Pass only lanes are often the lanes with the worst traffic when approaching a toll plaza.  I don’t understand this phenomenon, but I have personally witnessed it many times.  The only occasions when the EZ Pass lanes actually do what they are supposed to do is when they are express lanes that separate early and lead to EZ Pass lanes that can be traveled through without stepping on the brakes.  The NJ turnpike is a good example of this.  Express lanes really made things better there.  Are you listening Delaware?  I hope you are because for a small state you sure do all you possibly can to keep travelers in your state for as long as possible.  If you are going to charge a toll for 13 miles of road you should at least have a toll plaza with express lanes.

I have more to say about EZ Pass in general but that will have to wait for another day.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 21, 2011 – No Return Trips

Dedicated to my mom, so that she doesn’t have to yell at any more sales clerks.

A lot of stores, with corresponding websites, have the option of buying something on-line and then picking up the product in the store.  This service is usually free so the customer saves on the shipping charge while being able to take advantage of the greater selection available on the website.  Customers may also use in-store pick-up for an item that was backordered.  Whatever the reason, in-store pick-up can be a very convenient service, and I am all for convenience.  My only issue with this scenario is when you order multiple items.  In some cases the store will alert you that your item is ready to be picked up before your entire order is complete.  This could result in multiple trips to the store to pick up each item as it becomes available, which could be very troublesome.  This seems to me like a very simple issue that should not require the assistance of the Queen of the World but alas, sometimes companies are just pigheaded.

Customers must have the option to choose whether they wish to be notified whenever part of the order is ready to be picked-up or whether they want to wait until the order is complete.  Companies must alert their customers as to the availability of their order accordingly.

I’m pretty sure that there’s a home improvement store out there that’s about to receive a very angry letter from the Queen Mother.  Just a heads-up.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 20, 2011 – A Life Worth Living

For the most part I am trying to stick with decrees about problems I actually feel are changeable.  This one will be more of a stretch.  It feels a little odd to say that this decree is more of a fantasy when, let’s face it, the whole premise of this blog is fantasy (shhhhhh don’t tell).  But it is a fantasy because I just can’t picture it happening – not in the U.S. at least. 

OK enough doubting, I AM the Queen of the World and what I say goes, so even if one of my decrees seems impossible, it is still undisputable law and you better try your darndest to follow it.

Work weeks are restricted to a maximum of 40 hours.

For some people this will not be an issue but for many people this will be a drastic change.  It will require company restructuring, the need for new hires, and possible salary readjustments.  People who decrease their work hours to 40 while also suffering a salary decrease might hate me, but my hope is that with the increased need for personnel, companies will actually have to compete over qualified applicants forcing salaries back up.  It’s a hope anyway.  Obviously there will still be emergency situations when people will need to work more than 40 hours in a week.  If the emergencies happen more than twice a year though, they are not emergencies; they are part of the workload that needs to be accounted for up front.  When employees do work more than 40 hours in a week (only allowable in those emergency situations) they will need to be compensated with overtime or comp time.

Why make such a drastic and difficult change?  I have a very high respect for life and in general, I feel that people need to do a better job at taking advantage of their lives.  Too much time is spent toiling away in order to make money.  If you don’t have any time to enjoy your money, what’s the point?  “Who needs a house out in Hackensack?”  Who indeed? 

I get that some people define themselves by their jobs and may resent this decree.  There are those select few who love what they do and can’t get enough of it.  Honestly, if this is true for you that’s awesome.  Maybe I can set up an advisory panel you can apply to so that you can get an exemption from this rule.  After all, I am trying to make people’s lives better.  If you really can’t come up with something else you would rather do than work then I am at a loss.

A better work schedule should lead to happier, healthier citizens.  It should also allow parents to be a bigger part of their children’s lives and to share in things like family dinner.  This in turn should produce a generation of happier, healthier, well-adjusted children.  Like I said before….fantasy.

I hope you will all use your new time well.  Read to your kids, learn to play guitar, visit with friends, relax in a bubble bath, have sex with your significant other, use your imagination.  I think it is no wonder that problems like depression have become more common as the eight hour work day became the exception rather than the rule.  For the vast majority of us, work is just what we do, it is not who we are.  So now that you have more time, go figure out who you actually are and spend more time being that person.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 19, 2011 – Free Refills

As an avid soda drinker, nothing infuriates me more than going to a restaurant, paying an absurd price for a soda and then being charged for a refill.  Soda is one of the biggest and easiest money makers for restaurants.  The cost to the restaurant is about 25 cents per cup (even less with reusable cups) but they will charge the customer upwards of $2.50.  I’m not saying that this markup is unreasonable.  No one has to drink soda.  It they charge too much people will just drink something else.  My issue is solely with charging for refills for soda from a fountain.  For the amount of money most places charge for soda, I think it is only right for that amount to pay for enough beverage to last through the meal.  A lot of places will also not warn you in advance, which is especially shady.  It is generally easy to determine that you’re screwed when you receive your drink, but by then it is too late.  Restaurants that offer free refills will bring you a giant glass you are unlikely to need refilled, while restaurants that don’t will bring you a small glass (often mostly filled with ice). 

All restaurants that offer fountain sodas must provide free refills.

If a restaurant serves soda from cans than I guess it is OK to charge for a second can, but then they have to specify that they serve canned soda in their menu.  This rule is also going to apply to fast food restaurants (dine-in only) and movie theaters.  Theme parks must offer free refills while inside a restaurant but can charge for additional sodas at stands since these often require the use of a new, clean cup every time.

Staying hydrated is important.  People should not have to ration their paid for drinks with their meal.  From now on everyone can drink to their heart’s content…with soda anyway. 

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 18, 2011 – Universally Poor Service

UPS, you and I need to have a talk.  Your entire way of operating simply does not work for me.  Things need to change.  I guess you must provide decent customer service to your shippers otherwise you would not be in business.  You seem to be the most common shipper of items purchased on-line so you must be doing something right with how you handle those companies.  But let me tell you frankly, when it comes to the shippees, i.e. the individual people you are shipping these purchased goods to; you suck.  No qualifiers to that statement.  You just suck.

One often quoted definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.  As a company you must be completely nuts because you repeatedly send drivers out to peoples’ houses, in attempts to deliver packages, exclusively at times that those recipients can guarantee you that they will not be there.  Most people have jobs that mean that they will not be home during the hours of 9am-5pm, yet that is when you deliver your packages.  It wouldn’t be such a big deal if you could leave the package on the doorstep, but more often than not packages require signatures meaning that you MUST get someone at home in order to complete the delivery.

Why does almost everything require a signature these days?  I can say that I personally had nearly all of my UPS “delivered” holiday packages stolen from my safe neighborhood doorstep a few years ago.  Whether it was a UPS employee that decided to keep my gifts or unassociated thieves that simply follow UPS trucks I can’t say.  Either way it must have happened a lot that season because since that winter almost every company I have purchased from now requires a signature.

So what are my options if I am not home during the day to sign for my packages?  I can go to a UPS facility to pick up my package.  This is not like going to a post office (which tends to exist in every neighborhood).  UPS facilities are far more scarce sometimes requiring (for me at least) an hour of travel round trip.  That is in addition to the time spent waiting at the facility where it seems you can only service one customer every twenty minutes.  Not to mention those times when you choose same day pickup, are told to go to the facility after 7pm, but have to wait for your driver to get back from their route until 8pm or later.  Once my driver got back so late the facility closed and I had to leave empty handed.  Not OK.

What you need to do is have variable routes so that some drivers work day shifts and some drivers work evening shifts.  You should also work it out so that when companies send their buyers the tracking information for their packages, buyers can click on the tracking number and have the option to select a range (of three hours) for a delivery time.  You may think this will add more work for your company, but when you take into account the manpower that will be saved from eliminating the need for your drivers to make return trips, I am sure you will come out ahead.  You should also allow customers to opt for Saturday delivery without an additional fee.

What you need to understand is that your job is to deliver packages, not just pick them up from shippers.  I don’t think you understand the delivery part of your job.  Although I am quite busy right now ruling the world I will happily dedicate some of my time to educating you about the concept of delivery.

UPS is suspended from doing business until they reformulate their methods of operation to the satisfaction of the Queen of the World.    

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 17, 2011 – 30 Minutes to Win It

When I was growing up, game shows were all 30 minutes long and rewarded skill.  Those were the days!  Nowadays we are subjected to game shows that spend an hour or more creating imagined and painful suspense over copious commercial breaks, all for a game that is about as simple as flipping a coin.  I think the trend began with “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.”  All of a sudden it was reasonable to spend 60 minutes answering 15 questions.  Contestants would spend minute after agonizing minute voicing out loud every thought that came into their heads as they decided on an answer.  For some reason this show was popular and the blueprint for the show (a sixty minute game show with a simple concept that drags out every moment and focuses too much on the personal lives of the contestants) became the basis for a long string of primetime game shows that were all flash-in-the-pan sensations.  One minute people could not get enough of each of these shows and then suddenly, they no longer watched.  The odd thing is that when the shows were no longer popular some of them were relegated to 30 minute versions that no longer aired during primetime.  These versions were soooo much better.  With only 30 minutes of show, the time was spent on completing the actual game without all of the painful suspense or banter with the contestants.  If the show was like that from the start it might never have fizzled out on primetime TV.  It’s especially upsetting to me when new game shows come out with what I think are clever concepts but the show itself, in its 60 minute form, is painfully unwatchable.  The best game shows, the ones that have survived for decades, have all been 30 minutes long with only a few seconds spent on who the contestants are and no dramatic pauses.  Why mess with success?  Perhaps because continual flash-in-the-pan sensations yield more profit.  I for one do not think it’s OK to sacrifice quality for profit so from now on when you come up with a game show the “game” must be the focus of the show.

Television game shows may only be 30 minutes long and must complete the object of the game within each 30 minute episode.      

By the end of the year television will be more awesome than ever.  I promise you.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 16, 2011 – Parallel Putzing

Today I will introduce a term I just invented (literally a minute ago).  “Parallel putzing,” refers to two drivers who are so oblivious to their surroundings that they are driving perfectly parallel to each other for miles, thereby creating an effective mobile block of traffic.  The left lane is a passing lane.  If you are not actually passing someone in the right lane, you should not be in the left lane!  Are you trying to carry on a conversation with the driver of the neighboring car?  Are you trying to exchange phone numbers or spicy mustard?  Do you have some kind of OCD where you need everything in your environment to be paired?  If not then I don’t understand why you insist on driving directly alongside another vehicle.  Police can ticket drivers for being aggressive and reckless; why not also ticket drivers for blocking traffic by driving like a horse with blinders on?  Now they can.

Police officers can now issue tickets for “parallel putzing” or blocking traffic by driving perfectly parallel with the driver in the neighboring lane for more than five miles.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

 

January 15, 2011 – Go Tagless!

A lot of clothing (especially undergarments) these days is going tagless.  Instead of a large itchy tag sewn into the neck or waist, information is simply printed directly onto the fabric.  I for one think this trend is awesome and I want to help it catch on further.  It is simply awful when you are fidgeting all day or night with a tag that is causing an itch right in the small of your back where you can’t reach.  A bad tag can really ruin what is an otherwise wonderful item of clothing.  Personally, I am not even all that careful with my clothes and tend not to bother looking at the care instructions on a tag rendering these tags essentially useless for me.  I’ve tried cutting the tags out of some garments but that always leaves a small little strip that still itches like mad.  I’ve also tried getting rid of the tag in its entirety by carefully undoing the stitching but more often than not I just end up with holes in my clothes.  Why sew the tag into the important seams of the garment?  That’s like creating something that self-destructs when you pull out a component.  This is a blouse we’re talking about – not a bomb. 

I understand that not every garment is designed in such a way as to make printing possible.  Sometimes a tag is still necessary.  Plus the thought of printing information directly onto expensive fabric is a little worrisome.  But an effort can still be made to use tags that are smaller, made out of better material, and placed in better locations.  At the very least you should be able to remove them without ruining the garment.   Bottom line – I want more clothing to be tagless, especially the clothing that covers your bottom.

Clothing manufacturers are strongly encouraged to make their garments tagless.  If this is not possible, manufacturers must use tags that are removable and made from a smooth and soft material. 

A comfortable queen is a happy queen.  Remember that.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 14, 2010 – Waiting Room Woes

I’m kind of pissed off at the whole medical profession right now (for personal reasons) so today I am focusing my attention of them.  There is a lot I wish I could change about the whole doctor’s office experience, but there is only so much a Queen of the World can do.  Omnipotence only goes so far.  I can start things moving in a more patient friendly manner, however.  I will do that by focusing on one particular aspect of the doctor’s office visit (the wait) and see if I can’t make that better.

How long is an appropriate amount of time to wait at a doctor’s office when you have a scheduled appointment?  Ideally you would be waiting no more than ten minutes.  I say ideally because I’m not sure I have ever actually experienced that.  What is an unreasonable amount of time to wait?  I waited over an hour to see a doctor with a screaming colicky baby once.  That was unreasonable.  Doctors can’t always fully predict the amount of time each patient will take, and they can’t plan for all emergencies.  Some amount of waiting is to be expected.  When wait times get excessive and are routinely bad however, there is clearly a larger problem going on at that office, be it overbooking appointments, excessively chatty doctors, or allowing too many walk-ins.  From now on these offices will simply have to book fewer appointments in a day because…

Wait times at doctor’s offices must not exceed 30 minutes.  Surpassing this wait time will result in a $20 fee reduction for services rendered that day.  Extra $20 fee reductions will occur for every additional 15 minutes of wait time.  

One last important point.   This doesn’t mean that the nurse needs to get the patient into an examination room within 30 minutes; it means a doctor has to show up to that examination room within 30 minutes.  You can’t solve your over-booking problem with additional exam rooms. 

I realize this decision may make it harder to get appointments at certain offices, but it will also make the word “appointment” mean something again and I think that is more important.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 13, 2011 – Red Light, Green Light, One-Two-Three

Red light cameras.  Yeah, I saw the look of disgust wash across your face.  Red light cameras are supposed to automatically ticket drivers who run red lights.  The driver runs the red, the camera takes a picture of the offending vehicle, and the owner of said offending vehicle gets a ticket mailed to them.  What is wrong with that?  Traffic laws are supposed to keep us safe right?  I’m not so sure.  Why does it seem like instead of keeping us safe, they are just exploiting a loophole allowing them to collect more revenue for minor traffic offenses that don’t actually affect safety?  Let’s be honest, there is a big difference between blowing through a red light while oncoming traffic is going and sneaking through an intersection just as the light turns red.  Hey, we’ve all done that.  In certain areas, “two after red” is an unwritten rule.  Not to mention those times when you are stuck behind complete morons who aren’t paying attention, feel the need to drive through an intersection at 2mph, or want to make sure there is adequate space for a herd of elephants to pass between them and the car in front of them.  Those are the times you feel entitled to go through that light even if it has just turned red.  You would have made it if the people in front of you weren’t such dimwits.

More than just penalizing people for something minor, I feel like red light cameras make intersections more unsafe.  Now instead of leisurely deciding whether or not you can make that yellow light, people are slamming on their breaks when they see yellow.  You tell me what sounds safer: an extra car trickling through the intersection before cars start moving in the other direction, or a whole bunch of people slamming on their breaks when a light turns yellow?  Which scenario is going to cause more accidents?

So if the red light cameras aren’t making the roads safer, what is their purpose?  Well, some of the money they collect in the form of tickets goes to the town or city those cameras are in.  In this sense the cameras provide some extra revenue for that town or city.  But some red light cameras are actually run by private companies.  Private companies making money off of traffic violations?  Does that seem right?  

The worst part of the system is that some intersections have actually been set up to make you fail.  In certain cases, the duration of the yellow light was shortened so that more people would end up getting caught in the intersection when the light turned red.  The whole point of a yellow light is to give you a heads-up.  If you are approaching an intersection, the light turns yellow, and you can safely stop – you should stop.  If not, you should go through.  That’s a judgment call individuals have to make for themselves.  Police should ticket people when they clearly abuse this system, but there is no need to get nitpicky. 

The use of red-light cameras is illegal.  Police officers may still ticket individuals for running red lights if such transgressions are personally witnessed by the officer.

If towns and cities have problem intersections they should consider lengthening the duration of the yellow lights for that intersection.  How long a light should be yellow is not an exact science.  Maybe given the speed limit, the size of the intersection, and the ease of making left turns, you are simply not giving people enough time.  How about trying to solve a problem through positive change instead of punishment? 

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 12, 2011 – To Rend a Letter

I am not a fan of unsolicited soliciting.  In my opinion, telemarketing is by far the most annoying offender in this category, which is why I outright banned it with an earlier decree.  Today I will focus on mail; not e-mail, but actual mail that is tangible.  We will get to e-mail at another time.

It seems that junk mail (credit card applications, coupon mailers, catalogues, etc.) makes up the vast majority of what I find in my mail box every day.  With e-mail and on-line bill pay I rarely have a reason to bother checking the mail box other than to keep it from overflowing with junk.  I would love to just ban all of it, or at least those credit card applications, but I am having second thoughts.  I am worried that a decree of that kind would pretty much put the whole Post Office System out of business.  While this will likely happen sometime in the future with or without me, I don’t really want to be the cause of so much job loss.  Besides, I do like receiving actual mail like cards and letters better than e-mail.  It would be a real shame if no one could send actual mail anymore.  Still, something needs to be done.

Junk mail isn’t just bad for the environment; it’s also a pathway for would-be identity thieves to gain access to your personal information.  Everyone knows they should tear up all of those credit card applications, insurance pre-approvals, and refinancing offers.  The problem is that those companies know that too.  They don’t want you ripping apart their mailers so what do they do?  Check your mailbox and see for yourself.  I’m sure there is at least one credit card application in there complete with a fake hard plastic card and a thick laminated brochure.  What’s the problem with that?  It won’t tear.  You have to open it and take it apart piece by piece and tear up each piece separately while using scissors on the fake card.  Ridiculous!

Unsolicited advertisements and applications may only be sent through the mail if they can be easily torn (packaging included).

Define “easily tear” you say?  Hire yourself an individual over 70 with arthritis in his or her hands.  If he or she can tear your mailer, you’re fine.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 11, 2011 – Better to Arm a Bear than a Lunatic

Today’s decree is in response to the recent tragic events in Arizona and at the suggestion of my father.

It’s becoming an all too common scenario.  A tragic shooting occurs and the media promptly lists all of the warning signs that are crystal clear in hindsight, but somehow made no difference in the perpetrator’s ability to purchase a firearm.  We are left just shaking our heads.  We need to make these warning signs evident in the background check process; before the lunatic obtains a deadly weapon.  Checking for a criminal record is vital but clearly insufficient.  A first time offender who is also completely off his or her rocker will still have no problem obtaining a gun.  Background checks for firearms should include school records, employment records, and perhaps even a random interview or two with some personal references.  Moreover, some kind of psychological questionnaire should also be developed and required of those who wish to purchase guns.  I’m sure there are psychiatric professionals out there who could develop something simple enough for individuals to fill out on their own but cryptic enough that the negative trigger responses wouldn’t be obvious.  Of course, carrying out these more extensive background checks would require a lot of man power, but that could also be a good thing.  Isn’t everyone complaining right now about a lack of job creation?  I just created a whole bunch of jobs, including jobs for the glut of psychology majors out there who don’t know what to do with their degrees. 

Purchasing a firearm will now require a criminal, educational, and vocational background check, personal references, and the passing of a psychological questionnaire.

If you’re reading this and feeling like I am infringing on your right to privacy there is a simple solution.  Don’t buy a deadly weapon.  If you feel the need to own a gun, then society at large has a right to know what kind of person you are.  There is nothing more precious than life.  If a few liberties need to be sacrificed to protect the lives of innocent 9-year-old girls then it is totally worth it.  But then I don’t actually have to justify my decisions do I?  This is a dictatorship.  You need to be a sane, law abiding citizen if you want to own a gun and that is that.

I hope you will join me in sending your thoughts and prayers to all of the victims and families affected by the tragedy in Tucson.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 10, 2011 – “You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!”

Today I use my omnipotence to fight against the thing that annoys me the most.  Nope, it’s not Dr. Phil; but you are close.  Today I begin to tackle ignorance, and I’m starting off with a topic that is near and dear to my heart. 

Evolution is scientific fact.  That is a big deal considering that science is a subject that deals mainly with theories and hypotheses.  A scientific fact is a provable concept.  It’s something we can see in nature and repeat in a laboratory.  Scientific facts serve as a basis for the discipline at large.  Therefore, you cannot learn science as a subject if you deny or ignore certain scientific facts. 

Every public school must teach science and every science curriculum must include evolution.

What bothers me most about those who deny evolution is that they tend to have a very poor or non-existent understanding of the subject.  Perhaps your view of evolution is pretty similar to the title of this post (thank you to South Park by the way).  If so I can understand why you consider evolution to be crazy, blasphemous babble spouted by atheists.  If you actually understood the concept, however, I doubt you would think it was so controversial.

Evolution means “change over time.”  Yup, that’s it.  The basic foundational concept to evolution, what is considered to be scientific fact, is that species can change over time.  This change can happen in lots of different ways.  Darwin’s theory of Natural Selection is one way in which evolution occurs, but it is not the only way.  Domesticating animals, something known as artificial selection, is another method.  Clearly we can manipulate the biological traits of certain species through selective breeding; natural selection is pretty similar except that the challenges of the natural environment are what determine which individuals are the most successful breeders as opposed to humans.   

At this point you might be saying, “OK, species can change – but I know that I didn’t evolve from some monkey.”  You’re right, but you do share a common ancestor with monkeys.  From that common ancestor, the species that we know commonly as monkeys today have been evolving just as long as humans have.  That means that you should consider them to be as different from that ancestor as we are.

I understand that part of the reason that evolution is considered controversial is the belief that it goes against religion.  Negotiating an understanding of science and religion is something that each individual has to do in their own mind, but the two subjects do not have to be at odds.  Science is the study of the natural world.  Religion deals mainly with the supernatural.  Science has nothing to say about God, the afterlife, the soul, miracles, etc.  Moreover science is not and should not be any kind of basis for ethics or morality.  An understanding of the natural world is crucial however, and from now on, this understanding cannot be censured in any way.

As always I remain you all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 9, 2011 – Can You Hear Me Now?

Dedicated to James – See, I listen to my subjects sometimes.  Keep sending me suggestions.

Here is an important question for each of my subjects.  Are you aware that in order for someone to hear you over a cell phone, you do not need to talk any louder than you would if the person was sitting next to you?  Really.  I am not even kidding.  You don’t need to yell.  Mom, I promise you this is true. 

It’s one thing when people yell into their cell phones because they are in a noisy environment and they cannot hear themselves talk, but it’s another thing when it’s in a public enclosed space like on a train or in a restaurant.  For some reason, using a cell phone makes people forget basic conversational etiquette.  Haven’t you heard of “inside voice”?  Why does that courtesy go out the door when you take out your cell phone?  A cell phone is not a cone of silence.  Would you really be talking about the raunchy details of your sex life on a public bus at the top of your lungs if you didn’t have a cell phone?  I very much doubt it. 

All conversational noise in public enclosed spaces will be restricted to 65 decibels.  Going over this level will result in a warning.  Continuing to exceed this limit after being warned will result in expulsion from the area, including public modes of transportation.

Why 65 decibels?  Thirty seconds of internet research revealed that normal conversations are 50-65 decibels so I think taking the upper limit is pretty reasonable.  I plan to outfit necessary personnel (conductors, drivers, maitre d’s, etc.) with sound level meters so they can more exactly determine when someone if offending and have evidence to show as they oust the person from the premises.  So from now on, try to keep your personal conversations personal and I think we will all be much happier.

As always I remain your all powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 8, 2011 – Room for Your Hummer

Parking spaces are too small.  I am stating that as a fact.  It seems like being able to open your car doors all the way in a parking lot requires parking is a deserted area or having a four-door compact car and being lucky enough to be parked next to a curb, landscaping, or a motorcycle.  The lots that give you the “double lines” are generally better as they help guide people to the center of the space but even those can be too small depending on your car.  According to 30 seconds of internet research, the width of the common parking lot space varies between 7.5 feet and 10 feet.  Now if people would stop parking their massive trucks next to the passenger side of my car (forcing me to contort my body in order to squeeze my son’s massive car seat through the tiny space left between the vehicles) I might say that 10 feet is sufficient.  Since that doesn’t seem probable…

Parking spaces in public parking lots must be drawn with a minimum width of 11 feet and include the “double line” design designating parking space and circulation space.

Opening your car door should not be a privilege.  I don’t care if the problem is a lack of parking skill, an oversized SUV, or a two-door sports car with giant doors.  Everyone needs to be able to get in and out of their vehicles safely and easily.  I realize that come Black Friday you may be cursing my name because there are less spots in the parking lot, but I’ll take one day of things being worse for 364 days of easy vehicle access.  I know the other car seat toting mothers out there are with me on this one at least.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 7, 2011 – And the Award for Best Awards Show Goes to…

The People’s Choice Awards are over; the Golden Globes are coming soon.  I think it’s about time I warn you all to enjoy awards season this year because it is going to be the last.  Wait, wait, wait – don’t freak out.  I am not cancelling all award shows.  All I am saying is…

Televised award shows will now be limited to the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys and the Tonys.

I like award shows…to a point.  They are a great way to get a taste of the year’s best movies, television, music, and theater so you can make mental lists of the things you want to see or listen to.  It’s also fun to watch glamorous celebrities attend glamorous events but I reiterate that it’s only fun to a point.  Be honest, there is only one award per genre that really means anything and those are the ones I am keeping.  There are so many different award shows that it is not uncommon for many of the recipients to not even bother attending.  Lesser award shows seem to know that most celebrities won’t bother attending so they give their awards to whoever will.  That would be how the actors from Twilight win awards.  When you give out so many different awards for essentially the same thing you cheapen the entire concept of winning.  Fashion designers shouldn’t worry too much.  Between movie premiers, charity events, and film festivals there will still be plenty of occasions for celebrities to get dressed up and photographed.  Besides, I didn’t say there couldn’t be more award-based events; I just said they couldn’t be televised.  As long as you spare the general public from the spectacle, I don’t really care what ego boosting drivel you take part in. 

By the end of this year I have very high hopes of greatly improving television.  As you can see I am starting by cutting repetitive nonsense but I have greater plans in store.  Stay tuned.