February 1, 2011 – Are You Sure I’m Wealthy?

I am not an accountant so forgive me if I make some errors in my reasoning, but I think I may have discovered a breakthrough that will make tax liability distributions much fairer.  The way I understand things, taxes are set up so that the poor don’t pay anything, the middle class pay some (depending on where in the middle class they fall and how many deductions they can claim), and the wealthy pay a lot (an awful lot).  I’m not saying that the system isn’t fair.  I do believe that those who can afford to shoulder more of the burden should.  But I also think we can make the system much more equitable. 

In the United States, the “wealthy” tax bracket is defined by an annual household income of $250,000 or more.  That might sound like a lot of money but honestly, it depends.  One of the main things it depends on is cost of living.  If you make enough income to qualify for the highest tax bracket about 35% of your salary will go to taxes.  So now your $250,000 worth of income is more like $160,000.  You might be thinking that $160,000 is still a lot and I wouldn’t disagree entirely.  Even after the really high tax rate you are left with more than enough to live on no matter what your circumstances.  If you are not able to make ends meet with that amount of money then you are doing something seriously wrong.  But whether or not you’re living the life fantastic on your $160,000 is another matter.  Depending on where you live that amount of money could translate into a ten bedroom mansion or a two-bedroom condo; regular dinners at the nicest establishment in town or dinners at IHOP (no offense meant if IHOP is in fact the nicest establishment you have in your town).  The point is that cost of living is a big factor in defining wealth, yet it is not a factor used in determining tax brackets…until now.

Income tax brackets must now factor in the cost of living in the area in which that income was earned.

Under this new income tax system, the wealthy tax bracket in an area like New York City or San Francisco will start much higher than in areas with lower cost of living.  You already pay less taxes if you are supporting dependents, paying mortgage interest, paying college tuition, have very large medical bills or other factors that make your net income far less than your gross income.  This “sliding tax bracket” system is just an extension of this philosophy. 

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 31, 2011 – Maternity Leave

Maternity leave policies vary throughout the world.  Some countries will allow a parent up to a year of paid leave while other countries will offer only a few months of leave that is completely unpaid.  Maternity leave policies vary within the United States as well, but most U.S. women should expect about twelve weeks of unpaid leave.  That’s pretty poor compared to the rest of the world, especially when compared with Canada and Western Europe.  While many other countries offer something similar to twelve weeks of leave it is rarely unpaid.  Since many women can’t afford to take twelve weeks of unpaid leave they may, in reality, be taking maternity leave that is absurdly short; sometimes no more than a few weeks.  More reasonable minimum standards need to be set.    

Maternity leave can be a difficult balancing act for parents and companies.  Obviously parents want to be around as much as possible to raise their children.  Newborn babies require an extraordinary amount of care and after twelve weeks the amount of attention they need has barely diminished, if at all.  It is nerve-racking and expensive to entrust your infant to the care of someone else…unless you are one of those lucky people who can depend on a grandparent or other close relative.  At the same time it is very difficult for companies to pay an employee for months when they are not working, or even to hold their position for a long length of time.  But some kind of balance needs to be struck.  If we are really going to be a society with equal rights for men and women then we need to provide women with a reasonable way to balance a family and a career.  This will require more than just a fair-minded maternity leave policy but it’s a start. 

All employees have a right to at least 12 weeks of paid maternity leave, two weeks of paid paternity leave, and up to a year of unpaid leave that can be taken by either parent.

This is a minimum.  Companies are encouraged to offer better benefits and could be awarded with tax breaks if they do.  The important thing is that under this policy all women should be able to stay home with their babies for at least twelve weeks.  Many will be able to stay home for a whole year.  The twelve weeks of paid leave may be difficult for some companies but I don’t think the unpaid portion should be.  Taking a temporary job for a woman on maternity leave could be an awesome way for young people to get their first work experience right out of college.  This could also be a great thing for companies too as they would get a cheaper employee for a year.

With 40 hour work weeks (see previous decree) and a reasonable amount of maternity leave, I believe we are beginning to make strides in improving the quality of life for families.  No one should have to choose between being a good employee and being a good parent.  Granted there is still a lot more to be done but hey, it’s only January. 

I hope you have enjoyed your first month of subjugation under your new Queen.  Your continued loyalty and support over the next eleven months will be much appreciated…although also obligatory.   

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 30, 2011 – Queen Marisa’s Favorite Things

Thus far I have tried not to be selfish with my decrees.  My focus has been the greater good.  A run of selfish decrees would surely be an abuse of power, but one selfish decree now and again wouldn’t be so wrong would it? 

I had two huge disappointments this weekend while going out to restaurants.  It seems that two different restaurants have both recently removed my favorite dishes from their menus!  I almost exploded in a rage that these businesses could be so disrespectful to their Queen but then I realized that they practically had no way of knowing what my favorite dishes were.  Now they will not longer have an excuse.  There is now a list of my favorite things at the bottom of this page and I expect restaurants to hold this list as sacred as if it were written by Oprah herself.  The items in bold on this list have already been removed from menus and must be brought back.

Items listed on “Queen Marisa’s Favorite Things” may not be removed from restaurant menus.  If they have already been removed they must be brought back.

This decree may not benefit you at all if your tastes are not at all similar to mine.  Sorry about that.  It should benefit restaurants however, because even though it places them under a mandate, I expect lots of people would love to order items that are the documented favorites of the Queen of the World.

Sorry again for the selfish decree.  I will try to exercise more noble intentions tomorrow.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 29, 2011 – Compound Weather

Snow is a type of precipitation in the form of crystalline water ice.  No matter how much of it falls; no matter how quickly it accumulates; no matter how awful it makes commuting, it is still just a natural weather occurrence.  It is NOT akin to Armageddon, the apocalypse, or the holocaust.  In terms of weather catastrophes, snow is considered more of a nuisance than a threat.  Compared to hurricanes, earthquakes, and tornados, snow is a just a schoolyard bully.  Sure it can make your life difficult, but it can be handled.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve experienced snowfalls of 40 feet within a month, it still does not compare to the 2005 tsunami in Phuket, the 2010 earthquake in Haiti, or Hurricane Katrina.  So why are meteorologists comparing snow to mass genocide or the end of the world? 

Made-up compound words like “snowmageddon”, “snowpocalypse”, or “snowlocaust” are catchy terms meant to either scare the audience into watching or else put a light-hearted spin on frustrating weather...honestly, I’m not sure which.  What is also does however, is belittle the actual meaning of the terms Armageddon, apocalypse, and holocaust.  I personally experienced last year’s “snowpocalypse” and while it led to awful commutes and trips to the supermarket it was far from the end of the world.  Naming snow storms with catchy made-up compound words seems like an odd trend to me.  Weather systems do not need catchy compound names like celebrity couples.  I’m putting an end to it.

Weather phenomena may not be referred to with catchy compound titles.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 28, 2011 – Monkey Bars

Did you know that monkeys can’t use monkey bars?  Playing on monkey bars requires brachiation, which is the ability to use your arms to swing from branch to branch (or bar to bar).  Having this ability requires flexible shoulder joints with shoulder blades positioned essentially on the back.  It also requires the ability to grasp.  Monkeys do not have these abilities; apes do.  Perhaps “ape bars” just isn’t catchy enough but the example highlights one of my ultimate pet peeves that I will be remedying today.

It is illegal to refer to species of apes as monkeys in any published, televised, or educational material.

Chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas, gibbons, orangutans, siamangs, and humans are apes.  Calling a chimpanzee a monkey is as wrong as calling a human a monkey.  If you are making a commercial and want to make some joke about “monkey business” or “monkeying around” use a MONKEY!  Get yourself a capuchin, a vervet, a tamarin, a macaque, a spider monkey…there are so many options!  Just don’t use an orangutan.  Feel free to use an orangutan for a different commercial (they make awesome actors don’t they?), but then you can’t make a monkey joke. 

I think the most upsetting violation to this rule I have ever seen was a set of alphabet flashcards for babies.  Under the letter ‘M’ was the word ‘monkey’ and a picture of a chimpanzee.  The thought that innocent children could be exposed to such a gross misconception was too much to bear.  I knew I had to take action right away.  In fact, I think this could be my most important decree to date.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 27, 2011 – The Slaves of Academia

Graduate school is rough.  I doubt very much that anyone would tell you otherwise.  Graduate students have to balance classes, research, assistant type work within their department, and possibly an outside part-time job as well.  While the graduate student experience is always difficult, there is one important factor that makes it exponentially more difficult and that is the issue I will tackle with today’s decree.

All arts and sciences graduate school students must be fully funded within their department for at least five years.

Fully funded means that the tuition expenses of each graduate student is covered by the department, on top of which each graduate student receives a stipend that is enough to cover a reasonable expectation of room and board for the area.  Some kind of health insurance needs to be included as well.  Please note that I said “arts and sciences graduate students.”  This decree does not apply to professional schools.  Essentially, if when you tell someone what you’re studying you hear, “What are you going to do with that?” then this decree applies to you. 

The downside of this decree is that departments will be forced to accept less graduate students into their programs.  Considering the lack of jobs in academia right now, I’m not sure that’s a complete downside.  You can find something else to do now, or in seven years after adding “Ph.D.” to your name.  It’s up to you.

The upsides to this decree are numerous.  First, I think it is just cruel to charge a graduate student tuition.  Granted the University is providing an education for these people but they are generally so relied upon within their respective departments as teaching assistants and/or research assistants that they should also be considered employees. 

Second, funding a graduate student takes away some of the monetary pressure they are under so they can concentrate on their classes and research.  Fully funded graduate students finish their degrees faster.  I don’t have a source on that so you will just have to believe me. 

Third, fully funded graduate students don’t have to compete for positions.  When graduate students are not funded they have to compete with each other for whatever funding is available, typically teaching assistantships.  Since departments have to pay for each teaching assistant they typically do all they can to limit the number that they need.  This means that the teaching assistants are then overloaded with work.  If everyone is fully funded to begin with, the department can appoint as many teaching assistants as needed without affecting the budget.  Graduate students will benefit from the extra positions because they need the work experience and the department will benefit because all of their undergraduate classes will have the support that they need.  It’s win-win.

Finally, when graduate students are less overloaded, they have more time to assist in departmental research and aid in the securing of research grants.  Research grants are what academia is all about so the more time graduate students can dedicate to obtaining grants, the better off the University will be in the long run.

The fact that no one has previously stepped in to help this underserved group is despicable.  As Queen, I fully understand the importance of treating my underlings well.  It’s time that academia learned the same lesson.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

January 26, 2011 – You Are What You Eat

Ever order a salad at a restaurant because you were trying to be good, only to find out later that it contained more fat and calories than the burger you actually wanted?  Ever decide to get a side of healthy broccoli instead of fries only to get a bowl of wilted green vegetables swimming in butter?  It can be so hard to eat healthy, especially when eating out at restaurants.  Many restaurants now provide nutritional information about the options in their menus and I think this is a great idea so…

All restaurants must provide nutritional information about each of the dishes in their menu. 

The information should be printed directly on the menu so that customers are easily able to make more healthy choices…if they want to.  Given that all restaurants have to do this there will probably be a need for more nutritionists to act as consultants.  More job creation! 

I’m not saying that everyone should diet; I just want to make it easier to diet. 

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa