Daily Decrees

Beginning January 1, 2011, your all powerful yet benevolent despot will make one decree daily that will become instant and unquestionable law. Though it is said that absolute power corrupts absolutely, it is yet unkown whether absolute imagined power corrupts. Perhaps it merely corrupts the imagination. We'll find out as Marisa, the newly ordained Queen of the World, attempts to change the world for the better by making 365 unilateral decisions. Ultimately though, it doesn't really matter whether you agree with her decisions or not. So feel free to comment as long as you understand your comments are in vain. In all honesty though your queen is hopeful that you will consider the vast majority of her decrees to be the kind of decisions you wish your previous leaders had made years ago. The best part of being the supreme ruler of the world is that changes can be made easily. There are no agreements to be reached, no protocols to follow, and no bureaucratic red tape...and that is the whole point.

Friday, January 28, 2011

January 28, 2011 – Monkey Bars

Did you know that monkeys can’t use monkey bars?  Playing on monkey bars requires brachiation, which is the ability to use your arms to swing from branch to branch (or bar to bar).  Having this ability requires flexible shoulder joints with shoulder blades positioned essentially on the back.  It also requires the ability to grasp.  Monkeys do not have these abilities; apes do.  Perhaps “ape bars” just isn’t catchy enough but the example highlights one of my ultimate pet peeves that I will be remedying today.
It is illegal to refer to species of apes as monkeys in any published, televised, or educational material.
Chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas, gibbons, orangutans, siamangs, and humans are apes.  Calling a chimpanzee a monkey is as wrong as calling a human a monkey.  If you are making a commercial and want to make some joke about “monkey business” or “monkeying around” use a MONKEY!  Get yourself a capuchin, a vervet, a tamarin, a macaque, a spider monkey…there are so many options!  Just don’t use an orangutan.  Feel free to use an orangutan for a different commercial (they make awesome actors don’t they?), but then you can’t make a monkey joke. 
I think the most upsetting violation to this rule I have ever seen was a set of alphabet flashcards for babies.  Under the letter ‘M’ was the word ‘monkey’ and a picture of a chimpanzee.  The thought that innocent children could be exposed to such a gross misconception was too much to bear.  I knew I had to take action right away.  In fact, I think this could be my most important decree to date.
As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,
Marisa

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