February 8, 2011 – Trucking in Traffic

Today I am continuing my efforts to lessen traffic woes in all areas.  Obviously rush hour is one of the worst times to be out on the roads, especially if you live anywhere near a major city.  For most commuters, driving during rush hour is a necessary evil.  If you work normal hours, then you will be on the road during rush hour.  Aside from telecommuting or taking a train, there is little you can do to avoid it.  There are lots of other non-commuters out there however, that could potentially avoid the roads during rush hour, and from now on, they will have to.

Commercial trucks are prohibited from driving on major highways within 50 miles of a major city during rush hours.

Commercial truckers are encouraged to do most if not all of their driving over night.  If their routes take them near a bunch of cities, they might have to.  It can’t be pleasant for commercial truckers to sit in traffic any more than it is for commuters.  Despite them having to work overnight, I think that better road conditions would make for a more enjoyable work experience.  Having to work out deliveries with drivers working mostly overnight might be difficult, but it should be worth it for employers.  After all, they are only losing money when their trucks are sitting in traffic.  It seems like common sense to me anyway. 

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 7, 2011 – Media Blitz

Aaron Rodgers just faced a whole bunch of angry linebackers and somehow came out of it with his limbs intact.  Just because some confetti cannons go off signifying a triumphant end to the game doesn’t mean it’s OK for the media to try and succeed where the Steelers defense failed.  With the crazy media swarm that happens seemingly even before the official end of the game the players miss out on an immediate public celebration as a team and the moment of victory seems to lose a little magic.  Let’s be a little more respectful of the moment please.

Members of the media are restricted from entering the field, court, or ice at the end of a championship game until after the trophy presentation ceremony.

I think this will make championship celebrations much more fun to watch, don’t you?

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 6, 2011 – The Day After the Super Bowl

I find it very frustrating that the day after spending an entire evening drinking beer, eating nachos, and screaming in the general direction of a television, I have to get up early the next morning and go to work.  A day of work that will surely be made much more difficult with the hangover, upset stomach, and laryngitis that I will no doubt be suffering from (OK no hangover this year of course but you get my point).  The day after the Super Bowl should be a holiday, especially when you consider that Americans celebrate the Super Bowl more religiously than most other holidays.  Having the day after the Super Bowl free, more people could travel for parties, stay up to watch the whole game, and indulge Bacchanal style.  Hey, in order to maintain good mental health it is important to let loose once in a while. 

Since I don’t want to make things too hard on companies (especially after the whole 40-hour work week and one year maternity leave decrees) I am simply going to replace President’s Day with Day After the Super Bowl.  That way there is no additional missed work.  I think that if George Washington was alive in the era of the Super Bowl, he would whole heartedly support this decision.  So drink up my merry minions.  Enjoy your day of fun and your new day of recovery.

The Day After the Superbowl is now a Federal Holiday (replacing President’s Day).  All offices that can be closed, should be closed on this day.

Go Packers!

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

P.S.  Career Builder.com – I know what you are planning.  Those are chimpanzees in your commercials – not monkeys!!!  Disobey my decree and face my wrath!

February 5, 2011 – The Struggle for Soda

At 5’2”, I am far from tall; but I don’t consider myself outside of the normal range of height.  Still, there are times when I consider my height to be a great disadvantage, and often it is due to needless circumstances.  I have a few things planned to make life a little fairer for those of us who are vertically challenged but today, after a very frustrating trip to my local grocery store, I will focus on making shopping easier and safer.

If you’ve ever had to boost yourself on a lower shelf to reach products on an upper shelf you know how frustrating and dangerous it can be to try and get something that is out of reach above your head.  It’s one thing when stores put overstocks on high shelves, but I will never understand why many stores, especially supermarkets, place rather heavy items on shelves that are over 6’ tall.  For me it’s the soda aisle that is the worst.  A 2-liter soda bottle weighs about 4.4 lbs.  Sure that’s not heavy per se, but it’s heavy enough that it would really hurt if it were to fall in the course of your efforts to remove it from the shelf.  For some reason supermarkets love to stock 2-liter bottles on the very top shelf with guard rails that make it so you have to lift the bottle up and out.  Granted I can manage when I go shopping, but it’s a needless difficulty that I don’t think I should need to deal with.

Stores may not place items heavier than two pounds on shelves higher than five feet.

Let’s just be logical about things.  It is easier for a tall person to reach a low shelf than for a short person to reach a high shelf, so why not focus on making things reachable for shorter people?  Hey, it’s not so selfish.  I could just say that stores have to make sure that I can reach all of their items; although that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.  If there is a downside to stocking items on lower shelves please let me know.  Otherwise, from now on I expect to be able to go food shopping without having to boost myself on lower shelves or move heavy items above my head with outstretched fingertips. 

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 4, 2011 – Ready, Aim, Flush

I have this recurring nightmare.  I am in some public location and need to use the bathroom.  When I find the public restroom, however, all of the toilets are unusable – either broken or disgusting.  It’s a rather strange dream I know (don’t try to analyze me), but it illustrates well the problem behind today’s decree.  Your average person can be pretty darned disgusting, and this can make using a public restroom a detestable necessity.  It’s high time we set down some common rules of hygienic courtesy for our public restrooms and create a means for enforcement of these rules.

First of all, flush the damned toilet when you finish.  That should not need to be said but here we are.

Second, clean up after yourself.  If you miss the toilet, wipe it up.  If you drop something, pick it up.

Third, wash your hands afterwards.  Always.

Leaving a mess in a public restroom is unlawful and can result in a ticket.  Public restrooms must be adequately staffed and maintained to assure cleanliness.

In order to solidify these rules I am deputizing cleaning staff (increasing their salary too) so that they have the ability to issue tickets for any individuals that leave a mess in a public bathroom stall.  My hope is that with this decree, people will be more conscientious when using a public bathroom and will take simple measures to keep the facilities as clean as possible for other users. 

Maybe when using public restrooms is less nightmarish, I will be able to get a better night’s sleep as well.   That would be nice.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 3, 2011 – No Parking at the Pump

You pull up to a pump at a gas station and begin filling up your car.  While your car is fueling you decide to fill up on some caffeine as well.  You pop into the gas station convenience store and get what you need.  Meanwhile, your car has finished fueling and while you are looking for the coffee lids and hungrily eyeing the doughnuts, a line of angry customers is forming outside waiting for your spot at the pump.  I have a big problem with people who are so self-absorbed and self-important that they think it’s OK to make things very inconvenient for others in order to save themselves from 20 seconds of effort.  Fill-up your car; pull your car forward and re-park it in front of the convenience store; then buy your coffee.  That is the way is must be from now on.

It is unlawful to leave your vehicle unattended at a pumping station.  After fueling is complete, a vehicle must be promptly moved from the pumping station.

I can’t decide if you are a worse person when you leave your vehicle unattended while pumping to get your coffee, or if you wait until fueling is finished and then get your coffee without moving your car.  On the one hand it seems unsafe to leave your vehicle while actively fueling; on the other hand leaving your fueled car at a pumping station while you shop is the ultimate in self-important laziness.  Either way you are an incredibly inconsiderate person and from now on your selfish behavior is not only repugnant but now also illegal.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

P.S. Dedicated to Brett.  If you happen to get pictures of offenders in the future I would be happy to post them.

February 2, 2011 – Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money

If you haven’t already noticed, I’m generally against anything that increases profit at the cost of quality.  Profit may be King in our consumer driven society, but I’m the Queen and I will put a stop to gross abuses of the consumer in the name of profit.  Oftentimes the problems could technically be solved by the consumers themselves, and today’s issue is no exception.  If consumers would simply boycott those shoddy products that remove themselves entirely from any association with the word ‘quality’, we wouldn’t have any problems.  Sadly, whether it is a lack of willpower on the part of the consumers or simply a lack of intelligence necessary to realize what crap they are purchasing, the problem is simply not going to fix itself.  That is why I am taking a stand; and today, I am focusing my attention on the film industry.

It is simply unacceptable to take a movie with a solid concept and complete storyline and tag on a sequel simply because the original was popular.  Sure the sequel may be profitable, but that is no excuse for subjecting the viewing public to nonsensical drivel.  To quote Marge Simpson, “I didn’t say you couldn’t; I said you shouldn’t.”  It’s especially sad when a sequel is so bad that it sullies the original.  Fortunately with time these sad sequels may be forgotten, but that could require a lifetime of distance in some extreme cases.  For example, I have been lucky enough to have been completely unaware until now, that there was ever a sequel made to “Planet of the Apes” or “Saturday Night Fever”.  On the other hand, I will likely never be able to forget the prequels to “Star Wars”, or “Matrix Reloaded”. 

The only sequels that are really worth watching (with few exceptions) are ones that were planned long before the first movie ever came out.  If an overarching storyline is written in such a way as to progress over the course of multiple movies then sequels can be wonderful.  When you have a hastily written unplanned sequel you oftentimes have a completed story in the first movie followed by a second movie in which the same characters desperately try to do something interesting or create some kind of contrived conflict.  It’s sad really.  From now on, it’s not OK.

It is unlawful to make a movie sequel that is not pre-planned.

First of all, this decree is not saying that pre-planned sequels must be made.  If you planned a series but the first movie was a flop, by all means stop there are cut your losses.  I will also make a loophole where an unplanned sequel may be made if fans of the original are vehemently calling for one.  For the most-part however, this decree will spare the general public from painfully bad sequels.  Instead, I suggest that the movie industry focus on making more original movies.  If a certain movie is a surprise blockbuster hit, don’t make a crappy sequel.  Instead, try using the same director, cast, and writers on a new original project.  Most importantly, take more pride in your craft.  If you had more pride you might have passed on sequels to “Speed”, “Caddyshack”, “Major League”, “Weekend at Bernie’s”, “Jaws”, etc.  I know we would all have been happier if you did.

As always I remain your all powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa