February 15, 2011 – Been Spending Most Our Lives Sitting at Successive Traffic Lights

I have to say, fixing this problem is one of the main reasons I accepted the position of Queen of the World.  There are few things in this world that make me madder than sitting at a red light, driving straight for a block or two, and then sitting at the subsequent red light.  Depending on the road and the timing of the lights a two-mile stretch can easily take twenty minutes.  Don’t believe me?  Come on out to my house and see for yourself.  Someone needs to regulate the timing of red lights so that they allow traffic to flow better.  Oftentimes it is also necessary for lights to be on different schedules for different times of the day.  Rush hours may necessitate favoring one direction of traffic at intersections versus others to ease congestion.  Essentially, every situation is going to require individual and continual analysis to create traffic light patterns that are best for each area.  This analysis (and subsequent fine-tuning of the system) needs to take place and it needs to take place regularly.

At least one traffic light timing specialist must be appointed to analyze and ameliorate the traffic light timing patterns for each zip code.  A full analysis of the system must be carried out quarterly.

Now if you happen to live in an area where traffic light timing is not an issue feel free to give an existing civil servant the additional title and responsibilities of “traffic light timing specialist”.  I have no problem with having a Mayor/Traffic Light Timing Specialist who goes out and looks at the traffic patterns surrounding your town’s two traffic lights, quickly determines that they function fine, and then goes on with his/her other duties.  In many areas however, departments with multiple employees will be necessary to analyze and fine-tune traffic light timing patterns.  I consider these jobs to be VERY important as I expect swift results.  The next time I sit at three red lights in succession on the same street, heads will roll!

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa      

February 14, 2011 – Valentine’s Day Dinner

February 14, 2011 – Valentine’s Day Dinner

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!  I suppose that some of you are hoping that I will just outright ban this Hallmark holiday.  After all it does put a lot of pressure of people to be romantic and it does tend to make people depressed if they are without a special someone.  But while I totally understand your arguments, you will have to understand that your Queen is a girlie-girl at heart and since I am lucky enough to have a wonderful someone special of my own, I don’t mind a holiday that obliges him to be romantic.  I think it’s nice.  So I say bring on the cheesy cards, the flowers, the candy, the giant teddy bears.  I love it all…with one small exception.  I don’t like how many restaurants use a prix fixe menu for Valentine’s Day and other major holidays like New Year’s Eve.  Valentine’s Day is a time for going out to that really expensive restaurant you have been eyeing for months but can’t regularly afford.  When you finally get to go you want to have full reign over their entire regular menu (plus some specials).  You don’t want to be relegated to a specific “Valentine’s Day” fare that may be far inferior.  Besides which, if you’re a picky eater like I am, a prix fixe menu, which is usually very limited, may not have anything appealing.  Why be so limiting?  I was recently in a restaurant on Thanksgiving Day that offered a special prix fixe meal for the holiday but also maintained the availability of their regular menu.  I think this is a far superior plan.  Some people may like the prix fixe option.  But for others, Valentine’s Day may be their only chance to dine at a particular restaurant and they should be able to get the dish they have been dreaming about for months. 

I think a lot of restaurants use the prix fixe menu to increase their profits on days when they know they will be fully booked.  It may also be a convenience factor so that they can get food out faster on these busy days.  I would honestly rather it if restaurants were honest about their intentions and just raised their prices on holidays.  Don’t get excited though.  Raising prices isn’t going to be OK.  I was just saying I would rather that. 

Restaurants that want to offer a prix fixe menu on certain special occasions must also offer the full regular menu at regular prices.

I know this will make me happy at least.  For those who really like prix fixe menus I hope that this decree doesn’t dissuade restaurants from offering them.  It shouldn’t.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

    

February 13, 2011 – Rigged Reviews

There are lots of reasons why shopping over the internet is great (and one big reason why it is not - grrrrr UPS).  One feature I particularly like is customer reviews.  It’s something I really miss when shopping in person.  I like knowing how certain products are working for the customers that purchased them.  I know that it’s not a perfect measure of how much I will like something, but it’s a decent start.  When a product has a good number of reviews, the vast majority of which are positive, I feel pretty good about my purchase.  The problem is that retailers and manufacturers know that people like customer reviews, so what do they do?  They rig them.  The most obvious offenders are often on sites like amazon.com.  Many of the customer reviews are paragraphs long praising every minute feature of an item.  As if I am supposed to believe that some regular customer took the time to write up such a detailed and sophisticated review just for fun.  If you really want to say more about your product then put it in the product description.  The customer review section is for actual customers and it shouldn’t count it you gave the product to select customers so that they would write up “impartial reviews”.  There is a time and place for that kind of paid market research.  Use it to inform your own company; not to sway consumers.

Customer reviews on websites must be unsolicited and unbiased.

In other words, you can’t ask someone to write a review for your product because that would be solicitation and you can’t write one yourself because that would be biased.  Consider customer reviews to be free market research.  Instead of manipulating these reviews, read them and see what you can do to improve your product.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 12, 2011 – Blinded by the Light

My friend Tom (stand up and wave Tom), suggested to me that I do something about headlights that blind oncoming traffic.  As I have often been blinded by headlights while driving I agreed.  What I subsequently discovered (through extensive minutes of internet research) was quite disturbing, so I feel it is imperative that I address this problem without delay.

Sometimes I have to wonder about the United States of America.  I knew that for some reason, America has always considered itself to be too good for the metric system.  What I didn’t know, however, is that there are other international sets of standards that America, for some reason, refuses to adopt.  The problem with headlights (which I also discovered should properly be referred to as headlamps) stems from this apparent stubbornness.  Headlamps are regulated by international ECE standards, except in America where they are regulated by SAE standards.  ECE standards specify that headlamps must have a beam with an asymmetric cutoff (depending on which side of the road people drive on in a particular country), which then prevents significant amounts of light from being cast into the eyes of oncoming traffic.  SAE standards do not control for this glare.  Furthermore, ECE standards adjust the angle of the beam depending on the mounting height of the headlamps.  This means that trucks and SUVs that sit higher on the road would have their headlights angled down further.  Once again, SAE standards do not control for this factor.  The angle of headlamps on American trucks is the same for American sedans.  This totally explains why the problem seems to me to be getting worse.  More Americans are driving vehicles that sit higher so their headlamps are aimed higher – essentially right in my eyes. 

All I can think to say is “Fuck you America!”  Tom and I have been suffering needlessly!  There are ways to control for glare; you are just too stubborn or stupid to adopt them!  No longer!

All headlamps must be manufactured and mounted to ECE international standards.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 11, 2011 – Plowed In

This post goes out to all of my friends and family in the New York area.  I’m sorry this winter has been so rough.  Don’t call it a “you know what”, it’s still just snow; but it has been a lot of snow and it has caused a number of problems.

Have you ever shoveled out your car only to have the snow plow subsequently drive by rendering all of your efforts from the past few hours useless?  The plows are supposed to be helping right?  I think the problem has to do with the angle of the plow as it drives down the street.  On a highway it makes sense for the plow to be angled to the side.  This will push all of the snow to the shoulder of the road.  On a local street however, pushing the snow to the side means “plowing in” the local residents.  Now, not only do they have to shovel out their driveways and walkways, but they also have to get through the wall of snow (hard compacted snow no less) that the plow has left behind.  There has to be a better way.  Residents are paying for the snowplows; they should be getting better service for their money.  Clearing the snow from the street should not mean pushing it back onto the residents’ driveways; it should mean actually clearing the snow.  I’m not an expert on snow plows so I don’t know exactly what kind of effort it would entail to plow local streets in a such a way that the snow is actually removed from the street (or pushed to areas where it will not be blocking access), but I’m sure there are people out there who can figure it out. 

When snow removal is necessary, local streets must be plowed in such a way that the removed snow is pushed to areas that do not limit residents’ access. 

To New York and the rest of the snow covered globe, I hope this helps.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

P.S.  Sorry for the lateness of this post.  I have been a little overwhelmed lately with the trials and tribulations of ruling the globe, but I should be getting back on track now.

February 10, 2011 – Lunch Time

When I declared the 40-hour work week I should have been more clear.  For each day that you work you should also be entitled to at least a 30 minute paid break for a meal (lunch for most people).  I think it’s really cheap to make employees work an eight and a half hour day with a half-hour unpaid lunch.  Why not just make it eight hours and forty-five minutes so that you are also not paying for bathroom breaks?  A certain amount of break-time every day should be expected and encouraged.  I’m not saying that your workers should be on the Emerald City schedule (up at 12; go to work at 1; hour for lunch; done at 2), but one extended break for a meal and various beverage and bathroom breaks are necessary, should be encouraged, and should be paid.  Employees work better if they have a means to refresh their minds and bodies over the course of a day.  Gulping down a sandwich at your desk may seem more productive, but a burned out employee will only work slower and sloppier.  On the other hand, giving your employees ample break time should help them work better and ultimately increase their overall work product.  Finally, companies that do not have an in-house cafeteria should give their employees a full hour for lunch (something all companies are encouraged to do).  Sometimes it can take a half hour just to get your food depending on the area you are in.  Sure you could always bring your lunch, but you shouldn’t have to.  In other words, people need to time to go and buy their cake and then eat it too.       

All companies must provide their employees with a paid meal break that is at least 30 minutes long.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 9, 2011 – Aisle Hogs

I have already made decrees that punish people for having little to no awareness of their surroundings and, therefore, making things unnecessarily difficult for the people around them.  Thus far I have focused my attention on drivers.  Today I will shift gears (sorry for that pun) and force some self-awareness and common courtesy on shoppers (specifically supermarket shoppers).

The rules of the road should essentially apply to supermarket carts.  If you need to stop your car on a highway, you are supposed to pull over to the side.  Otherwise you would be blocking traffic and making a whole bunch of people really angry.  The same should be true for supermarket carts.  If you need to stop mid-aisle to debate the merits of Post Raisin Bran versus Kellogg’s Raisin Bran pull your cart over to the side.  In contrast to what your tunnel vision is clearly relaying to your brain, you are not the only person in the store.  Other people are trying to get their food shopping done too and they need to be able to pass you and move down the aisle.  It’s a very simple common courtesy that requires very little effort on your part, yet time and again you fail to move until someone angrily yells at you, thereby snapping you out of your stupor.  From now on, please be aware of your cart and make sure that whenever you stop you leave enough room for others to get around you.  Conscientious shoppers everywhere will be grateful.

Blocking a supermarket aisle with your cart could lead to ejection from the supermarket (without your groceries).

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa