Daily Decrees

Beginning January 1, 2011, your all powerful yet benevolent despot will make one decree daily that will become instant and unquestionable law. Though it is said that absolute power corrupts absolutely, it is yet unkown whether absolute imagined power corrupts. Perhaps it merely corrupts the imagination. We'll find out as Marisa, the newly ordained Queen of the World, attempts to change the world for the better by making 365 unilateral decisions. Ultimately though, it doesn't really matter whether you agree with her decisions or not. So feel free to comment as long as you understand your comments are in vain. In all honesty though your queen is hopeful that you will consider the vast majority of her decrees to be the kind of decisions you wish your previous leaders had made years ago. The best part of being the supreme ruler of the world is that changes can be made easily. There are no agreements to be reached, no protocols to follow, and no bureaucratic red tape...and that is the whole point.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

January 18, 2011 – Universally Poor Service

UPS, you and I need to have a talk.  Your entire way of operating simply does not work for me.  Things need to change.  I guess you must provide decent customer service to your shippers otherwise you would not be in business.  You seem to be the most common shipper of items purchased on-line so you must be doing something right with how you handle those companies.  But let me tell you frankly, when it comes to the shippees, i.e. the individual people you are shipping these purchased goods to; you suck.  No qualifiers to that statement.  You just suck.
One often quoted definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.  As a company you must be completely nuts because you repeatedly send drivers out to peoples’ houses, in attempts to deliver packages, exclusively at times that those recipients can guarantee you that they will not be there.  Most people have jobs that mean that they will not be home during the hours of 9am-5pm, yet that is when you deliver your packages.  It wouldn’t be such a big deal if you could leave the package on the doorstep, but more often than not packages require signatures meaning that you MUST get someone at home in order to complete the delivery.
Why does almost everything require a signature these days?  I can say that I personally had nearly all of my UPS “delivered” holiday packages stolen from my safe neighborhood doorstep a few years ago.  Whether it was a UPS employee that decided to keep my gifts or unassociated thieves that simply follow UPS trucks I can’t say.  Either way it must have happened a lot that season because since that winter almost every company I have purchased from now requires a signature.
So what are my options if I am not home during the day to sign for my packages?  I can go to a UPS facility to pick up my package.  This is not like going to a post office (which tends to exist in every neighborhood).  UPS facilities are far more scarce sometimes requiring (for me at least) an hour of travel round trip.  That is in addition to the time spent waiting at the facility where it seems you can only service one customer every twenty minutes.  Not to mention those times when you choose same day pickup, are told to go to the facility after 7pm, but have to wait for your driver to get back from their route until 8pm or later.  Once my driver got back so late the facility closed and I had to leave empty handed.  Not OK.
What you need to do is have variable routes so that some drivers work day shifts and some drivers work evening shifts.  You should also work it out so that when companies send their buyers the tracking information for their packages, buyers can click on the tracking number and have the option to select a range (of three hours) for a delivery time.  You may think this will add more work for your company, but when you take into account the manpower that will be saved from eliminating the need for your drivers to make return trips, I am sure you will come out ahead.  You should also allow customers to opt for Saturday delivery without an additional fee.
What you need to understand is that your job is to deliver packages, not just pick them up from shippers.  I don’t think you understand the delivery part of your job.  Although I am quite busy right now ruling the world I will happily dedicate some of my time to educating you about the concept of delivery.
UPS is suspended from doing business until they reformulate their methods of operation to the satisfaction of the Queen of the World.    
As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,
Marisa

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