February 28, 2011 – Shopping Restrictions

After a long week of heartfelt entreaties to make the average person happier, I need a break.   Today, therefore, I will be keeping things light.  I really hate it when stores impose limits on how many garments a person can bring into a dressing room.  Other than not wanting to print number tags higher than 8, I can’t think of a good reason for these rules.  Today, the same saleswoman who wouldn’t let me take all of the clothes I wanted to try on with me into the dressing room and slowly combed through my pile of hopefuls to determine the exact amount I had when I came in, didn’t even glance at what I left behind on the rack when I left.  Isn’t the point of the whole number tag system supposed to be to prevent theft?  In that case leaving with the same number of garments you entered with should be what matters, not how many you want to try on.  The only thing this kind of limiting does is prevent people from buying things because they won’t take multiple trips to the dressing room to try on everything they want.  I have a really poor sense of what will actually look good on me so I need to be able to try on a lot of options.  Stores that limit me are only going to limit how much I buy.  Don’t you want the Queen of the World to be able to shop happily in your store? 

Stores may not limit the amount of garments an individual can bring into a dressing room.

Well, two months of subjugation down, ten more to go.  I hope you are all still enjoying yourselves.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 27, 2011 – You Aren’t Special Part VII: Raising Happier Kids

As the child of Baby Boomers, myself and my generation are known as Echo Boomers.  Baby Boomers grew up during an economic boom.  They were the healthiest and wealthiest generation to date and based on their sheer numbers and lives of privilege they considered themselves to be special.  In many ways it was as if all of history was leading to that generation.  It’s part of the reason that many Boomers refuse to retire…a problem I may tackle in the future.  The radicalism of the 60’s was due in large part to this “special generation” becoming teenagers and young adults.  The children of the Baby Boomers are also generally privileged, but with one distinct difference.  The Baby Boomers were raised with the ideals of their parents.  Many Boomers grew up feeling like they could change the world, but it was not because their parents or teachers told them they would.  The Echo Boomers by contrast have grown up with their parents, teachers, coaches, and mentors telling them than they can and should change the world.  They were told that they could be anything they dreamed of if they only worked hard and in pursuit of those goals they were overscheduled and overindulged.  For the Echo generation an average life was simply unacceptable.  Honestly, what kind of encouragement is that?  You are not helping children to succeed by setting them up for disappointment.  Sure, in every generation there will be those who are truly special.  They will make great discoveries, be great leaders, create great works of art, accomplish great feats of athletic prowess, and create positive change for the world.  But for the most part, children will grow up to lead average lives.  The problem is that when you are told that you can achieve amazing feats if you try hard enough and dream big enough then clearly there is something wrong with your dreams or effort when you fail.  To grow up with an education, maintain a career, and build and support a family should be the definition of success, but for many of the children of the “special generation” success is something unattainable.

Personally, as a new mom I can say with confidence that there is no greater accomplishment than establishing a true and strong bond of love with your baby.  I know that sounds cheesy and trite, but it is also true.  Most importantly, nothing could be more ordinary.  Parents have been loving their children since the time when hunting or gathering were the only two career options and surviving past 40 was a real accomplishment. 

To conclude this week of “un-specialness” I want the world, especially the children of the Echo Boom generation, to know that being special and being average are not competing adjectives.  Live a life that will provide you with some happiness and you will have achieved something great.  It’s that simple.  It should be that simple.  You do not need to pretend at fame.  You do not need to publish your life.  You do not need to act crazy for attention.  You just need to try and be happy with whoever you are.

In order to achieve this new philosophy we need to stop poisoning our children with insurmountable great expectations.

Parents and schools must inspire children towards achievable goals and the pursuit of individual happiness.        

To all of the Echo Boomers out there; you can’t all be Queen of the World, but you can all be happy.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 26, 2011 – You Aren’t Special Part VI: Parting with Reality

Considering the theme of the week it’s about time I tackle the 6-foot-gorilla in the room – Reality TV – one of the ultimate culprits in creating the false sense of specialness that plagues the most average of people today.  But I can’t just ban it completely.  That would be easy…and probably best; but the genre does include some of my own guilty pleasures so I will need to be selective.  For the most part what I think really needs to go are those shows that glorify bad behavior and sadly, those are probably the shows people love the most.  For example, the previews for the new season of “Celebrity Apprentice” highlight crazy celebrities about to come to blows.  The show is also an entertaining competition that does a lot of charity work, but that is not why viewers tune in.  It’s unfortunate.  Much like the problem with crazy people on talk shows, the more the general public sees bad and crazy behavior the more they become accustomed to it and that means that it will take even crazier behavior to be considered shocking.  Makers of these programs sometimes argue that the point of showing bad behavior is to serve as an example of what not to do.  At least that is the theory behind shows like “16 and Pregnant”.  If you see the consequences of other peoples’ bad behavior or mistakes, you will be dissuaded from following in that path.  The problem with that is that one consequence of this awful behavior is fame.  All publicity can be considered good publicity if you are crazy enough.  We sane people still retain the ability to be embarrassed. 

So what to do about this problem?      

Reality TV shows must have a greater purpose than displaying crazy or bad behavior.

Ok I realize that’s pretty vague.  I think what we need is a professional panel to analyze reality shows and determine whether or not a show has no greater worth than pandering to our base desire to see self-destruction.  The line is not going to be clear but it’s something that I hope can be worked out over time.  If we are going to allow the average person to have their 15 minutes of fame, let’s at least try to ensure that is will be for positive reasons.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 25, 2011 – You Aren’t Special Part V: Oh the Vanity!

Vanity plates.  They never seemed like an important issue to me until I moved to a state where vanity plates are inexpensive and therefore seemingly more common than regular license plates.  The problems I have with them are three-fold.  First off, they violate the main purpose of having license plates, which is identification for law enforcement purposes.  Normal license plates will follow a pattern like 3 letters followed by 4 numbers, or something similar.  That way when you have numbers and letters that look alike such as 0 and O, 1 and I, 8 and B, or 5 and S, law enforcement can easily tell what they are looking at based on the pattern.  Vanity plates, by contrast are often quite confusing because people will interchange similar looking letters and numbers when the words they want (spelled the right way) are already taken.  Like “I M BOSS”, “1 M 8055”, “I M B0S5”, “I M 8O5S”, “I M B055”……… you get the point.  My second problem with these plates is that some of them are confusing and when I am driving behind someone with a vanity plate that I don’t understand I get frustrated.  It’s like 1337 speak except you’re the only one who gets what it means.  It’s super annoying.  One person for example had the license plate “STFU-PLS”.  Honestly, that plate is so awesome I would totally let it slide but when the state made the owner change it because they thought it meant what you and I thought it meant the owner said it meant “stay true for you”.  It just proves my point that abbreviations are problematic.  Finally, vanity plates need to go based on the simple definition of the name.  Are you so vain that you need to broadcast something about your life on your license plate?  Do you really feel the need to force the traffic behind you to read your plate and ponder its meaning?  There are other avenues for self-expression.  Let’s let license plates identify our cars and leave it at that.

Vanity plates are strictly outlawed.  All license plates must follow a specific pattern for the state/region/country the vehicle is registered in.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

PS.  Mike, I’m sorry that you will have to give up your license plate.  It’s nothing personal.

February 24, 2011 – You Aren’t Special Part IV – What We Should Learn in College

College is a really wonderful time for many people.  It’s when young people get to play at being adults without having the full responsibilities or consequences associated with adulthood.  It’s a time for making friends, cutting loose, experimenting, and learning.  Yes, learning is a part of college too; and not just in a broad sense like learning about yourself or about the world.  College is a time for book learning and delving into a particular subject (your major) pretty thoroughly.  Now part of what you should learn in all of your college classes is general intellectual development.  You should become a better writing, a better thinker, a better reasoner, and a better questioner.  But what you should also learn; what you probably won’t learn; are skills and direction that will actually prepare you for a career.  Some college majors like nursing, accounting, or engineering do this to a degree but the majority of your arts and sciences majors will not prepare students in the slightest for the real world of employment.

So what do advanced level classes for arts and sciences majors prepare for?  Essentially they prepare students for careers in academia.  They entail a lot more reading and writing, focus on more challenging topics, and push students towards formulating their own research questions.  In terms of intellectual development this is great, but in terms of helping students determine what sort of careers their studies could lead to and helping them prepare for said careers, these classes fall very short.  Some college classes should simply focus on intellectual development but others, mostly the more advanced courses, should focus on career options and preparation, including careers that are outside academia.  After all, a very small percentage of college graduates will actually pursue careers in academia and an even smaller percentage of them will succeed in obtaining them.  There are, for example, lots of careers that a psychology major would be well suited for, including: counseling, human resources, law enforcement, social work, teaching, etc.  Some of these careers may require further degrees and some may not but the point is that higher level psychology classes should begin to present career options like these and then provide students with the specific learning and skills they need to pursue them.  I know that reformulating college classes in this way will be a challenge, but it will be well worth it when graduates are more successful in the job market…or at the very least are more focused and sure of what they are looking for.

Upper level college courses must have a greater focus on career options and the learning and skills necessary for possible career paths.

You may be wondering what this decree has to do with the overarching theme of the week.  Part of the problem with everyone thinking that they’re special is that they lack an obtainable career focus.  If college only prepares you to be the next Freud, Einstein, or Goodall, you are going to be sadly disappointed when you realize that you are not a special genius.  On the other hand, if college prepares you for an obtainable career in a field you find interesting, then you will get that awesome sense of self-worth that only comes with achieving a goal.  Most of us aren’t special, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be great at something.  The sooner each of us figures out what that something is and incorporates it into our lives, the happier we will be.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 23, 2011 – You Aren’t Special Part III – What We Learned in Kindergarten

We all learned in Kindergarten that it’s not OK to make fun of other people, didn’t we?  Clearly this is something we need to relearn.  Otherwise we wouldn’t look forward to those early rounds of certain reality TV shows that highlight the most ridiculous performances.  I have to figure that most of these people know that their auditions are terrible and are performing that way on purpose with the hopes of getting on TV.  However, there must be some people who are legitimately trying their best and due to nerves or a complete misunderstanding of their own talent, they suck.  In the case of the former explanation, banning the airing of these auditions would just be an extension of yesterday’s decree.  We don’t need to glorify people who would do anything to get on TV.  In the case of the latter explanation, we just need to exercise better manners.  It shouldn’t be OK to turn someone’s embarrassment into entertainment.  Sadly, I know many of you think that the bad auditions are the best part of these shows, but sometimes you have to give up things you might enjoy for the betterment of all humanity.  Talent shows should highlight talent.  We do not need to continue the misconception that true talent can yield the same results as being crazy or pathetic.  Sure, life seems to work out that way sometimes, but this week is all about doing everything possible to end that problem.

Reality TV talent shows may not air poor auditions.  These shows must focus on the actual talent competition.

Sorry again to take away your entertaining train wreck, but you will be a better person for it.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 22, 2011 – You Aren’t Special Part II – A Dramatic End for the Drama Seekers

Dr. Phil.  You are done.  Go home to your mansion and stay there.  You are not to be a “doctor” of any sort from now on.  You may not give advice.  I revoke your celebrity status.  Take heart though that at least I am leaving you to enjoy your fortune and family in peace…provided I never see your face or hear your voice again.  I also wouldn’t want you to feel like I am singling you out so the same edict goes for Maury, Jerry, Steve Wilkos, or anyone who creates or hosts a TV program, now or in the future, that glorifies the “drama seeker”.  I am starting with you Dr. Phil however, because I think you actually believe that you are better, and that your show is better, than those others I mentioned.  It is not.  In fact the illusion of legitimacy for your program only creates the appearance of a dignified platform for drama seekers and thus makes your show especially dangerous.  But before I make my formal decree let’s take a step back and better explain the “drama seekers”, why they are a problem, and why your show causes them to multiply and prosper like tribbles. 

The drama seeker is someone who believes that they are so special that their problems and/or triumphs deserve to be telecast to the world.  For example, most of us have been betrayed at least once in our lives.  There are various normal ways that we handled this betrayal.  Our reactions may not have been pretty, we may have even resorted to colorful language and violence, but our reactions were still normal.  The drama seeker by contrast may react to betrayal similarly with screaming, cursing, and violence, but by definition feels entitled to do this is the most public way possible.  They do this because they think that they are special and deserving of attention.  In fact their need for attention is so great that they can’t differentiate between positive and negative attention.  Drama seekers are a problem because they are a terrible example of humanity.  They will exhibit negative behavior for attention and when they get that attention they will feel justified and will pursue even crazier behavior to continue their time in the spotlight.  The cycle is exactly the same as a drug user.  The problem for the non-drama-seeking public is that we get accustomed to the crazy behavior of the drama seeker and suddenly awful situations that were unheard of are no longer shocking and become much more common.  Talk shows like Dr. Phil, Maury, Jerry Springer etc. provide a platform for these drama seekers.  They invite them on as your guests.  In fact, they advertise for the exact kind of crazy that they want.  “Have you ever been betrayed by your man with another man who used to be a woman?  If so we want you.”  Hello!!!  Stop giving these crazy people ideas!  Granted that getting rid of these shows will not eliminate the drama seekers, but it will cause their numbers to diminish and it will protect the general public from learning to worship these idiots.

I hear you Dr. Phil.  You are complaining that your show is not like this.  You are saying that you don’t allow or glorify this kind of crazy behavior on your show and that you actually help people.  You’re wrong.  Do you need an example?  Remember the Dr. Phil family?  They were a pretty normal family with a pregnant teenage daughter.  It was a decent amount of drama but nothing so shocking.  How are they doing now?  The older daughter has three kids with three different dads, the younger daughter got arrested, the parents divorced, and they are all abusing drugs and alcohol.  Are you really going to tell me that your interference helped these people?  All you did was provide a platform for a drama seeking family.  Once they had a taste of the attention drug they made themselves more and more outlandish to keep that attention coming.  Good job with that one.

Talk shows that highlight the negative behavior of guests are strictly illegal.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 21, 2011 – You Aren’t Special

I just finished reading an article entitled “The Problem with Memoirs” by Neil Genzlinger and it has inspired me to begin my efforts to ameliorate a very serious current problem.  Neil explains that in today’s society most people consider their essentially mundane lives to be unique, special, and worthy of broadcasting to the world.  He is bothered by the glut of recently published memoirs that drown out the few that were written by people whose lives really have been extraordinary.  The underlying problem, however, is really much larger and it is something I think I will need to work on piecemeal all week.  But we will start by solving Neil’s issue.

When it comes to biographical works, whether they are in literature or film it makes sense to at least have the full story.  In other words, you shouldn’t write a book about your life when you are in your thirties and there shouldn’t be a biographical movie about a sixteen-year-old pop star.  Writing a memoir is something you are supposed to do towards the end of your life when you can sit back a fully reflect.  If you are simply trying to use part of your life story to boost your current prospects then use a different medium.  Hey, you could always write a blog.  If that’s good enough for your Queen it should be good enough for you too.  So let’s restrict biographical books and movies to the truly extraordinary and perhaps we can resurrect the respectability of the genre. 

Producers and publishers should be much more restrictive on what they decide to produce or publish in the genre of biography.

My goal this week is to make you feel less special, but don’t take that the wrong way.  In the end, I think we will all end up much happier.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa  

February 20, 2011 – Holiday Floats

It’s really nice when companies offer holidays off.  People should get to spend holidays that are important to them in meaningful ways with their families and/or friends.  The problem is which holidays to recognize.  Countries may have certain national holidays that are probably celebrated by most of its citizens and are, therefore, a good place to start, but in the spirit of religious and cultural freedom one should not assume that nationally recognized holidays are universally celebrated.  However, I hate the thought of limiting celebrations just because certain people don’t want to participate.  In fact, I’m a proponent for the opposite.  If everyone celebrates different holidays then simply celebrate more holidays.  The idea that no one gets to party just because everyone doesn’t participate is just plain wrong.  Religious and cultural freedom should mean being inclusive.  Let’s face it though; companies can’t give off for EVERY holiday.  That would get ridiculous.  The solution to this problem is simple.  It’s not a concept that I invented, but it is one that should be promoted. 

Floating holidays are holidays from work that can be used on any particular day of the year.  That way everyone can celebrate whatever they deem to be their most important holidays away from work.  It’s a pretty simple concept, but one I think should be universally adopted. 

All employers must offer at least two floating holidays along with a number of fixed holidays that reflect the most common nationally recognized days.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 19, 2011 – Time to Flex

In a workplace context, I love flextime.  Flextime means that employees are able to structure their schedules in ways convenient to them, while still working a required weekly amount and/or working around a fixed set of core hours.  Some people use flextime to work extra hours four days a week and get three day weekends.  Other people use flextime to frontload or backload their daily schedules so that they can get home to take care of their kids or so they can sleep late after nights of partying.  Some people just use flextime to make their hours a little odd so they avoid rush hours.  Whatever the personal reasons, the ability to work flexible hours is a tremendously good thing and I want to reward companies that offer this feature.

Now a lot of companies advertise that they offer flextime but when it comes down to reality, most of their employees can’t actually take advantage of it.  They either work too many hours (now also illegal by the way – see previous post) or they are considered “essential” and are required to be present at specific hours.  It’s not going to be enough to “offer” flextime.  My reward will scale based on how many employees are actually taking advantage of it.

Companies that offer flextime work schedules for employees will be eligible for tax breaks.  These tax breaks will scale up based on the number of employees taking advantage of the flextime program.

To all companies that offer flextime…you rock!

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 18, 2011 – Empty Promises

“15 minutes could save you 15% or more.”  It’s catchy, no?  But what is it actually saying?  It’s pretty much promising nothing.  What the ad line really says is that you could save 15% or more but you might save less than 15% or nothing at all.  So why bother with an ad line that is really promising nothing?  It’s because most people have selective hearing or at least a selective memory.  What your average person will take away from hearing that ad line are two things: “save” and “15%”. 

What I find even more amusing than the ads that promise nothing are the ads the promise limits.  “You could lose up to a jeans size in two weeks.”  The only thing that ad line promises is that you won’t lose more than a jeans size.  But again all you remembered was “lose” and “jeans size”.

As amusing as these empty ad claims are, it bothers me that their trickery actually works on most people.  The ads aren’t lying but they are trying to deceive and I don’t like that.  If you don’t have anything true and plain to say about your company or product, then don’t say anything at all. 

Companies may not make false or deceptive ad claims.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

P.S. Happy Birthday sweetheart!

February 17, 2011 – Mindless Games

So apparently Hasbro has decided to revamp the classic board game Monopoly.  They are taking away the paper money and the dice and replacing it with a Sauron-like tower in the middle of the board that acts as dice roller, ATM, and dark lord.  My husband was particularly troubled by the lack of dice as he would lose his uncanny ability to roll whatever he needed at the most crucial moments of the game.  If you’ve played Monopoly with him, you know.  Why get rid of dice and paper money?  Hasbro’s goal is to revamp dwindling sales by making their classic game more like a video game.  Will it work?  I highly doubt it and that’s their problem but I am worried that this idiotic move will start a trend so it’s time for the Queen to intervene. 

Board games have three purposes: fun, social interaction, and cognitive development.  In other words board games are supposed to have an educational component to them.  It can be as simple as color matching in Candyland or as complex as military strategizing in Risk, but the point is that you are (age appropriately) supposed to use your brain.  Monopoly has (or had) a lot of great educational components.  The math required for the game ranged from simple monetary transactions to calculating 20% of your net worth to leveraging property to buy houses.  There was a lot of strategy involved too and while the strategic components will still be part of the game you have to wonder if Hasbro will unveil yet another version in ten years that will make things even simpler.  Maybe they can just invent a version where the computer plays out the whole game for you and then lets you know whether or not you won.  Sounds like fun.

Classic board games must be offered in classic forms.  All board games should include an educational component.

If sales are dwindling then the public is partly to blame.  Video games are great but board games offer a way for families or groups of friends to interact and have fun together.  Board gaming should be further encouraged and families should make time weekly for this kind of play.  I’m not making that a decree (as of now) but I am giving strong encouragement.

This decree should serve as evidence that my overall motives are for the greater good.  After experiencing games of Monopoly that lasted well into the night with backroom deals, painstaking adherence to rules, and a group of people who considered a board game win to be more important than sex, it’s just not a personal favorite pastime of mine.  Still, I consider Monopoly to be a great game and just because I don’t have the same zeal for it as certain of my subjects doesn’t mean I don’t understand its overall merits.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa     

February 16, 2011 – More Bus Stops than Starbucks Coffee Shops

Have you ever ridden a bus and felt like you were going nowhere because the bus was stopping every 100 feet or so to pick up or drop off a passenger?  I have personally had to restrain myself from screaming at a fellow passenger when he requested a stop one block past where the bus had just stopped.  A male in his twenties wearing jeans and sneakers no less.  He could have walked that block faster than the time it took the bus to get there.  Even if you are not often a bus rider, if you live in or near a city surely you have experienced getting trapped behind a bus.  Sometimes, due to traffic or a narrow street, there is just no getting around that bus.  That means you are stuck waiting at every stop; each of which may only be spaced a block or two apart.  I’m all for mass transit but let’s be reasonable.  It’s alright to make passengers walk a little ways to get to a stop.  With less overall stops the buses should run faster and be more reliably on time so it should work out to the benefit of everyone if we spaced stops just a bit farther apart and eliminated some of the excess.

The average city block is about 1/8 of a mile or 660 feet.  Based on this I feel that bus stops should at the VERY LEAST be two full blocks apart.  That could mean walking up to a quarter mile for a stop but I think that is more than reasonable, for local buses anyway.  Commuter and express buses should have stops spaced even farther apart.  The point of those buses is to get you to your destination faster so in those cases a little more walking for a more direct trip is expected.

Bus stops must be spaced at least 1350 feet apart for local buses and 2650 feet apart for express or commuter buses.

With less bus stops overall, it should also be easier to make the remaining stops nicer.  I expect to see shelters with benches, not just a pole with a sign. 

So pack a pair of comfortable shoes in your work bag.  You may need to do a little more walking to catch the bus, but the ride for mass-transit commuters and individual drivers alike should improve greatly.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 15, 2011 – Been Spending Most Our Lives Sitting at Successive Traffic Lights

I have to say, fixing this problem is one of the main reasons I accepted the position of Queen of the World.  There are few things in this world that make me madder than sitting at a red light, driving straight for a block or two, and then sitting at the subsequent red light.  Depending on the road and the timing of the lights a two-mile stretch can easily take twenty minutes.  Don’t believe me?  Come on out to my house and see for yourself.  Someone needs to regulate the timing of red lights so that they allow traffic to flow better.  Oftentimes it is also necessary for lights to be on different schedules for different times of the day.  Rush hours may necessitate favoring one direction of traffic at intersections versus others to ease congestion.  Essentially, every situation is going to require individual and continual analysis to create traffic light patterns that are best for each area.  This analysis (and subsequent fine-tuning of the system) needs to take place and it needs to take place regularly.

At least one traffic light timing specialist must be appointed to analyze and ameliorate the traffic light timing patterns for each zip code.  A full analysis of the system must be carried out quarterly.

Now if you happen to live in an area where traffic light timing is not an issue feel free to give an existing civil servant the additional title and responsibilities of “traffic light timing specialist”.  I have no problem with having a Mayor/Traffic Light Timing Specialist who goes out and looks at the traffic patterns surrounding your town’s two traffic lights, quickly determines that they function fine, and then goes on with his/her other duties.  In many areas however, departments with multiple employees will be necessary to analyze and fine-tune traffic light timing patterns.  I consider these jobs to be VERY important as I expect swift results.  The next time I sit at three red lights in succession on the same street, heads will roll!

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa      

February 14, 2011 – Valentine’s Day Dinner

February 14, 2011 – Valentine’s Day Dinner

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!  I suppose that some of you are hoping that I will just outright ban this Hallmark holiday.  After all it does put a lot of pressure of people to be romantic and it does tend to make people depressed if they are without a special someone.  But while I totally understand your arguments, you will have to understand that your Queen is a girlie-girl at heart and since I am lucky enough to have a wonderful someone special of my own, I don’t mind a holiday that obliges him to be romantic.  I think it’s nice.  So I say bring on the cheesy cards, the flowers, the candy, the giant teddy bears.  I love it all…with one small exception.  I don’t like how many restaurants use a prix fixe menu for Valentine’s Day and other major holidays like New Year’s Eve.  Valentine’s Day is a time for going out to that really expensive restaurant you have been eyeing for months but can’t regularly afford.  When you finally get to go you want to have full reign over their entire regular menu (plus some specials).  You don’t want to be relegated to a specific “Valentine’s Day” fare that may be far inferior.  Besides which, if you’re a picky eater like I am, a prix fixe menu, which is usually very limited, may not have anything appealing.  Why be so limiting?  I was recently in a restaurant on Thanksgiving Day that offered a special prix fixe meal for the holiday but also maintained the availability of their regular menu.  I think this is a far superior plan.  Some people may like the prix fixe option.  But for others, Valentine’s Day may be their only chance to dine at a particular restaurant and they should be able to get the dish they have been dreaming about for months. 

I think a lot of restaurants use the prix fixe menu to increase their profits on days when they know they will be fully booked.  It may also be a convenience factor so that they can get food out faster on these busy days.  I would honestly rather it if restaurants were honest about their intentions and just raised their prices on holidays.  Don’t get excited though.  Raising prices isn’t going to be OK.  I was just saying I would rather that. 

Restaurants that want to offer a prix fixe menu on certain special occasions must also offer the full regular menu at regular prices.

I know this will make me happy at least.  For those who really like prix fixe menus I hope that this decree doesn’t dissuade restaurants from offering them.  It shouldn’t.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

    

February 13, 2011 – Rigged Reviews

There are lots of reasons why shopping over the internet is great (and one big reason why it is not - grrrrr UPS).  One feature I particularly like is customer reviews.  It’s something I really miss when shopping in person.  I like knowing how certain products are working for the customers that purchased them.  I know that it’s not a perfect measure of how much I will like something, but it’s a decent start.  When a product has a good number of reviews, the vast majority of which are positive, I feel pretty good about my purchase.  The problem is that retailers and manufacturers know that people like customer reviews, so what do they do?  They rig them.  The most obvious offenders are often on sites like amazon.com.  Many of the customer reviews are paragraphs long praising every minute feature of an item.  As if I am supposed to believe that some regular customer took the time to write up such a detailed and sophisticated review just for fun.  If you really want to say more about your product then put it in the product description.  The customer review section is for actual customers and it shouldn’t count it you gave the product to select customers so that they would write up “impartial reviews”.  There is a time and place for that kind of paid market research.  Use it to inform your own company; not to sway consumers.

Customer reviews on websites must be unsolicited and unbiased.

In other words, you can’t ask someone to write a review for your product because that would be solicitation and you can’t write one yourself because that would be biased.  Consider customer reviews to be free market research.  Instead of manipulating these reviews, read them and see what you can do to improve your product.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 12, 2011 – Blinded by the Light

My friend Tom (stand up and wave Tom), suggested to me that I do something about headlights that blind oncoming traffic.  As I have often been blinded by headlights while driving I agreed.  What I subsequently discovered (through extensive minutes of internet research) was quite disturbing, so I feel it is imperative that I address this problem without delay.

Sometimes I have to wonder about the United States of America.  I knew that for some reason, America has always considered itself to be too good for the metric system.  What I didn’t know, however, is that there are other international sets of standards that America, for some reason, refuses to adopt.  The problem with headlights (which I also discovered should properly be referred to as headlamps) stems from this apparent stubbornness.  Headlamps are regulated by international ECE standards, except in America where they are regulated by SAE standards.  ECE standards specify that headlamps must have a beam with an asymmetric cutoff (depending on which side of the road people drive on in a particular country), which then prevents significant amounts of light from being cast into the eyes of oncoming traffic.  SAE standards do not control for this glare.  Furthermore, ECE standards adjust the angle of the beam depending on the mounting height of the headlamps.  This means that trucks and SUVs that sit higher on the road would have their headlights angled down further.  Once again, SAE standards do not control for this factor.  The angle of headlamps on American trucks is the same for American sedans.  This totally explains why the problem seems to me to be getting worse.  More Americans are driving vehicles that sit higher so their headlamps are aimed higher – essentially right in my eyes. 

All I can think to say is “Fuck you America!”  Tom and I have been suffering needlessly!  There are ways to control for glare; you are just too stubborn or stupid to adopt them!  No longer!

All headlamps must be manufactured and mounted to ECE international standards.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 11, 2011 – Plowed In

This post goes out to all of my friends and family in the New York area.  I’m sorry this winter has been so rough.  Don’t call it a “you know what”, it’s still just snow; but it has been a lot of snow and it has caused a number of problems.

Have you ever shoveled out your car only to have the snow plow subsequently drive by rendering all of your efforts from the past few hours useless?  The plows are supposed to be helping right?  I think the problem has to do with the angle of the plow as it drives down the street.  On a highway it makes sense for the plow to be angled to the side.  This will push all of the snow to the shoulder of the road.  On a local street however, pushing the snow to the side means “plowing in” the local residents.  Now, not only do they have to shovel out their driveways and walkways, but they also have to get through the wall of snow (hard compacted snow no less) that the plow has left behind.  There has to be a better way.  Residents are paying for the snowplows; they should be getting better service for their money.  Clearing the snow from the street should not mean pushing it back onto the residents’ driveways; it should mean actually clearing the snow.  I’m not an expert on snow plows so I don’t know exactly what kind of effort it would entail to plow local streets in a such a way that the snow is actually removed from the street (or pushed to areas where it will not be blocking access), but I’m sure there are people out there who can figure it out. 

When snow removal is necessary, local streets must be plowed in such a way that the removed snow is pushed to areas that do not limit residents’ access. 

To New York and the rest of the snow covered globe, I hope this helps.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

P.S.  Sorry for the lateness of this post.  I have been a little overwhelmed lately with the trials and tribulations of ruling the globe, but I should be getting back on track now.

February 10, 2011 – Lunch Time

When I declared the 40-hour work week I should have been more clear.  For each day that you work you should also be entitled to at least a 30 minute paid break for a meal (lunch for most people).  I think it’s really cheap to make employees work an eight and a half hour day with a half-hour unpaid lunch.  Why not just make it eight hours and forty-five minutes so that you are also not paying for bathroom breaks?  A certain amount of break-time every day should be expected and encouraged.  I’m not saying that your workers should be on the Emerald City schedule (up at 12; go to work at 1; hour for lunch; done at 2), but one extended break for a meal and various beverage and bathroom breaks are necessary, should be encouraged, and should be paid.  Employees work better if they have a means to refresh their minds and bodies over the course of a day.  Gulping down a sandwich at your desk may seem more productive, but a burned out employee will only work slower and sloppier.  On the other hand, giving your employees ample break time should help them work better and ultimately increase their overall work product.  Finally, companies that do not have an in-house cafeteria should give their employees a full hour for lunch (something all companies are encouraged to do).  Sometimes it can take a half hour just to get your food depending on the area you are in.  Sure you could always bring your lunch, but you shouldn’t have to.  In other words, people need to time to go and buy their cake and then eat it too.       

All companies must provide their employees with a paid meal break that is at least 30 minutes long.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 9, 2011 – Aisle Hogs

I have already made decrees that punish people for having little to no awareness of their surroundings and, therefore, making things unnecessarily difficult for the people around them.  Thus far I have focused my attention on drivers.  Today I will shift gears (sorry for that pun) and force some self-awareness and common courtesy on shoppers (specifically supermarket shoppers).

The rules of the road should essentially apply to supermarket carts.  If you need to stop your car on a highway, you are supposed to pull over to the side.  Otherwise you would be blocking traffic and making a whole bunch of people really angry.  The same should be true for supermarket carts.  If you need to stop mid-aisle to debate the merits of Post Raisin Bran versus Kellogg’s Raisin Bran pull your cart over to the side.  In contrast to what your tunnel vision is clearly relaying to your brain, you are not the only person in the store.  Other people are trying to get their food shopping done too and they need to be able to pass you and move down the aisle.  It’s a very simple common courtesy that requires very little effort on your part, yet time and again you fail to move until someone angrily yells at you, thereby snapping you out of your stupor.  From now on, please be aware of your cart and make sure that whenever you stop you leave enough room for others to get around you.  Conscientious shoppers everywhere will be grateful.

Blocking a supermarket aisle with your cart could lead to ejection from the supermarket (without your groceries).

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 8, 2011 – Trucking in Traffic

Today I am continuing my efforts to lessen traffic woes in all areas.  Obviously rush hour is one of the worst times to be out on the roads, especially if you live anywhere near a major city.  For most commuters, driving during rush hour is a necessary evil.  If you work normal hours, then you will be on the road during rush hour.  Aside from telecommuting or taking a train, there is little you can do to avoid it.  There are lots of other non-commuters out there however, that could potentially avoid the roads during rush hour, and from now on, they will have to.

Commercial trucks are prohibited from driving on major highways within 50 miles of a major city during rush hours.

Commercial truckers are encouraged to do most if not all of their driving over night.  If their routes take them near a bunch of cities, they might have to.  It can’t be pleasant for commercial truckers to sit in traffic any more than it is for commuters.  Despite them having to work overnight, I think that better road conditions would make for a more enjoyable work experience.  Having to work out deliveries with drivers working mostly overnight might be difficult, but it should be worth it for employers.  After all, they are only losing money when their trucks are sitting in traffic.  It seems like common sense to me anyway. 

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 7, 2011 – Media Blitz

Aaron Rodgers just faced a whole bunch of angry linebackers and somehow came out of it with his limbs intact.  Just because some confetti cannons go off signifying a triumphant end to the game doesn’t mean it’s OK for the media to try and succeed where the Steelers defense failed.  With the crazy media swarm that happens seemingly even before the official end of the game the players miss out on an immediate public celebration as a team and the moment of victory seems to lose a little magic.  Let’s be a little more respectful of the moment please.

Members of the media are restricted from entering the field, court, or ice at the end of a championship game until after the trophy presentation ceremony.

I think this will make championship celebrations much more fun to watch, don’t you?

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 6, 2011 – The Day After the Super Bowl

I find it very frustrating that the day after spending an entire evening drinking beer, eating nachos, and screaming in the general direction of a television, I have to get up early the next morning and go to work.  A day of work that will surely be made much more difficult with the hangover, upset stomach, and laryngitis that I will no doubt be suffering from (OK no hangover this year of course but you get my point).  The day after the Super Bowl should be a holiday, especially when you consider that Americans celebrate the Super Bowl more religiously than most other holidays.  Having the day after the Super Bowl free, more people could travel for parties, stay up to watch the whole game, and indulge Bacchanal style.  Hey, in order to maintain good mental health it is important to let loose once in a while. 

Since I don’t want to make things too hard on companies (especially after the whole 40-hour work week and one year maternity leave decrees) I am simply going to replace President’s Day with Day After the Super Bowl.  That way there is no additional missed work.  I think that if George Washington was alive in the era of the Super Bowl, he would whole heartedly support this decision.  So drink up my merry minions.  Enjoy your day of fun and your new day of recovery.

The Day After the Superbowl is now a Federal Holiday (replacing President’s Day).  All offices that can be closed, should be closed on this day.

Go Packers!

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

P.S.  Career Builder.com – I know what you are planning.  Those are chimpanzees in your commercials – not monkeys!!!  Disobey my decree and face my wrath!

February 5, 2011 – The Struggle for Soda

At 5’2”, I am far from tall; but I don’t consider myself outside of the normal range of height.  Still, there are times when I consider my height to be a great disadvantage, and often it is due to needless circumstances.  I have a few things planned to make life a little fairer for those of us who are vertically challenged but today, after a very frustrating trip to my local grocery store, I will focus on making shopping easier and safer.

If you’ve ever had to boost yourself on a lower shelf to reach products on an upper shelf you know how frustrating and dangerous it can be to try and get something that is out of reach above your head.  It’s one thing when stores put overstocks on high shelves, but I will never understand why many stores, especially supermarkets, place rather heavy items on shelves that are over 6’ tall.  For me it’s the soda aisle that is the worst.  A 2-liter soda bottle weighs about 4.4 lbs.  Sure that’s not heavy per se, but it’s heavy enough that it would really hurt if it were to fall in the course of your efforts to remove it from the shelf.  For some reason supermarkets love to stock 2-liter bottles on the very top shelf with guard rails that make it so you have to lift the bottle up and out.  Granted I can manage when I go shopping, but it’s a needless difficulty that I don’t think I should need to deal with.

Stores may not place items heavier than two pounds on shelves higher than five feet.

Let’s just be logical about things.  It is easier for a tall person to reach a low shelf than for a short person to reach a high shelf, so why not focus on making things reachable for shorter people?  Hey, it’s not so selfish.  I could just say that stores have to make sure that I can reach all of their items; although that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.  If there is a downside to stocking items on lower shelves please let me know.  Otherwise, from now on I expect to be able to go food shopping without having to boost myself on lower shelves or move heavy items above my head with outstretched fingertips. 

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 4, 2011 – Ready, Aim, Flush

I have this recurring nightmare.  I am in some public location and need to use the bathroom.  When I find the public restroom, however, all of the toilets are unusable – either broken or disgusting.  It’s a rather strange dream I know (don’t try to analyze me), but it illustrates well the problem behind today’s decree.  Your average person can be pretty darned disgusting, and this can make using a public restroom a detestable necessity.  It’s high time we set down some common rules of hygienic courtesy for our public restrooms and create a means for enforcement of these rules.

First of all, flush the damned toilet when you finish.  That should not need to be said but here we are.

Second, clean up after yourself.  If you miss the toilet, wipe it up.  If you drop something, pick it up.

Third, wash your hands afterwards.  Always.

Leaving a mess in a public restroom is unlawful and can result in a ticket.  Public restrooms must be adequately staffed and maintained to assure cleanliness.

In order to solidify these rules I am deputizing cleaning staff (increasing their salary too) so that they have the ability to issue tickets for any individuals that leave a mess in a public bathroom stall.  My hope is that with this decree, people will be more conscientious when using a public bathroom and will take simple measures to keep the facilities as clean as possible for other users. 

Maybe when using public restrooms is less nightmarish, I will be able to get a better night’s sleep as well.   That would be nice.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

February 3, 2011 – No Parking at the Pump

You pull up to a pump at a gas station and begin filling up your car.  While your car is fueling you decide to fill up on some caffeine as well.  You pop into the gas station convenience store and get what you need.  Meanwhile, your car has finished fueling and while you are looking for the coffee lids and hungrily eyeing the doughnuts, a line of angry customers is forming outside waiting for your spot at the pump.  I have a big problem with people who are so self-absorbed and self-important that they think it’s OK to make things very inconvenient for others in order to save themselves from 20 seconds of effort.  Fill-up your car; pull your car forward and re-park it in front of the convenience store; then buy your coffee.  That is the way is must be from now on.

It is unlawful to leave your vehicle unattended at a pumping station.  After fueling is complete, a vehicle must be promptly moved from the pumping station.

I can’t decide if you are a worse person when you leave your vehicle unattended while pumping to get your coffee, or if you wait until fueling is finished and then get your coffee without moving your car.  On the one hand it seems unsafe to leave your vehicle while actively fueling; on the other hand leaving your fueled car at a pumping station while you shop is the ultimate in self-important laziness.  Either way you are an incredibly inconsiderate person and from now on your selfish behavior is not only repugnant but now also illegal.

As always I remain your all-powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa

P.S. Dedicated to Brett.  If you happen to get pictures of offenders in the future I would be happy to post them.

February 2, 2011 – Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money

If you haven’t already noticed, I’m generally against anything that increases profit at the cost of quality.  Profit may be King in our consumer driven society, but I’m the Queen and I will put a stop to gross abuses of the consumer in the name of profit.  Oftentimes the problems could technically be solved by the consumers themselves, and today’s issue is no exception.  If consumers would simply boycott those shoddy products that remove themselves entirely from any association with the word ‘quality’, we wouldn’t have any problems.  Sadly, whether it is a lack of willpower on the part of the consumers or simply a lack of intelligence necessary to realize what crap they are purchasing, the problem is simply not going to fix itself.  That is why I am taking a stand; and today, I am focusing my attention on the film industry.

It is simply unacceptable to take a movie with a solid concept and complete storyline and tag on a sequel simply because the original was popular.  Sure the sequel may be profitable, but that is no excuse for subjecting the viewing public to nonsensical drivel.  To quote Marge Simpson, “I didn’t say you couldn’t; I said you shouldn’t.”  It’s especially sad when a sequel is so bad that it sullies the original.  Fortunately with time these sad sequels may be forgotten, but that could require a lifetime of distance in some extreme cases.  For example, I have been lucky enough to have been completely unaware until now, that there was ever a sequel made to “Planet of the Apes” or “Saturday Night Fever”.  On the other hand, I will likely never be able to forget the prequels to “Star Wars”, or “Matrix Reloaded”. 

The only sequels that are really worth watching (with few exceptions) are ones that were planned long before the first movie ever came out.  If an overarching storyline is written in such a way as to progress over the course of multiple movies then sequels can be wonderful.  When you have a hastily written unplanned sequel you oftentimes have a completed story in the first movie followed by a second movie in which the same characters desperately try to do something interesting or create some kind of contrived conflict.  It’s sad really.  From now on, it’s not OK.

It is unlawful to make a movie sequel that is not pre-planned.

First of all, this decree is not saying that pre-planned sequels must be made.  If you planned a series but the first movie was a flop, by all means stop there are cut your losses.  I will also make a loophole where an unplanned sequel may be made if fans of the original are vehemently calling for one.  For the most-part however, this decree will spare the general public from painfully bad sequels.  Instead, I suggest that the movie industry focus on making more original movies.  If a certain movie is a surprise blockbuster hit, don’t make a crappy sequel.  Instead, try using the same director, cast, and writers on a new original project.  Most importantly, take more pride in your craft.  If you had more pride you might have passed on sequels to “Speed”, “Caddyshack”, “Major League”, “Weekend at Bernie’s”, “Jaws”, etc.  I know we would all have been happier if you did.

As always I remain your all powerful and benevolent Queen of the World,

Marisa